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还能再尴尬一点吗?

Embracing awkwardness: How to defeat social anxiety and embarrassment | Melissa Dahl

大多数时候 我们需要遵守一些社会准则
Most of the time it’s like we kind of have social scripts to follow.
你融入其中 微笑着打招呼
You come in here, you say hello,
然而如果有某些不平常的事情发生
and then if something goes out of the ordinary
我们就会被震动 变得辗转难安
it shakes us up and makes us feel uncertain.
1960年代的一部科学文献对这个话题进行了相关拓展
And there is a long stretch of scientific literature on this dating back to the 1960s.
讲的是一个经典实验 关于用微量电流电击人们
There’s this classic study where they shocked people with these little electric shocks and
研究者问人们 是愿意在被告知的情况下接受电击呢
they asked people if they preferred shocks when they knew they were coming
还是愿意在毫不知情的情况下突然被电击
or if they preferred shocks that just came out of nowhere,
而人们都更愿意选择在知情的情况下接受微痛的电击
and people would rather know when the little painful shock was coming.
我觉得人们的这个选择很有趣
Which seemed interesting to me
因为等待电击时的惶恐不安或许更难受
because you would think that the expectation might make it worse,
可能是因为大家都想要凡事心里有个底吧
but we like predictability, I guess.
所以这在某种程度上也可以佐证
I think that’s one of the reasons why it’s interesting that sometimes we call awkwardness
为什么尴尬带来痛苦 折磨 却又带来乐趣
painful or excruciating—it adds an interesting layer to that.
所以我的“尴尬论”的一个重要的部分
So a big part of my “cringe theory”—that’s kind of what I’m calling it—is
就是我们经常不太关注的
that there is a difference—
或者我经常忽略掉的
we don’t like to pay attention to it very much,
一个确实存在的区别
or I don’t—but there is a difference often
即你看待自己的方式
between the way that you see yourself and the way that you think
和你认为自己向这个世界展现的方式
you are presenting yourself to the world,
以及他人感知你的方式之间的差别
and the way that the rest of the world is perceiving you.
有一个例子可以帮我诠释这种现象
And something there really helped unlock this for me was
这个例子很常见啦
the idea it’s almost like clichéd thing—that people hate the sound
就是人们讨厌听到自己的声音
of their own voices or people don’t like
或者讨厌看到自己的录像
looking at recordings of themselves.
值得注意的是 人们对自己声音的厌恶
In particular, the thing about people hating the sound
是非常有情可原的
of their own voices is a great example of this
因为你听到的自己的声音和他人听到的你的声音
because your voice really does sound different to you
真的有很大的不同
than the way everyone else is hearing you.
也就是说 别人说话时
So when we hear somebody talk you’re kind
他的声音穿透空气传到我们的听觉神经
of hearing somebody else through the air,
而我们自己发出的声音要穿透空气 经过我们的头盖骨
but when I’m hearing myself talk I’m hearing myself through the air
之后才能传到我们的听觉神经
and through the bones of my own skull,
这会造成声音在传播过程中发生改变
which actually transmit the sounds differently and
让我的嗓音听起来比实际上更低沉
makes my voice sound lower than it actually is.
所以经常会有这种情况
So it’s a really common complaint people are like—
人们大大吐槽自己的声音:
they listen to their own voices and they’re like,
天啊 音调怎么比我想得要高
“Oh my gosh it’s so much higher than I thought it was!”
我听自己的声音回放时 就总会有这种感受
That’s always what I think about when I hear my own voice played back.
我觉得这很好地解释了
And I think that this is a central part
我们为什么在社交中会难为情
of my theory about what makes us cringe is when
因为你向外界展现的那个“你”
the ‘you’ you think you’re presenting to the world
和他人看到的那个“你”不太一样
clashes with the ‘you’ the world is actually seeing,
这就让我们感到很不舒服
and that makes us uncomfortable
因为这脱离了我们的预期:
because we like to think that we’re coming off in a certain way and it’s
哦 不 你就是这样看我的?我在你眼里是这样的?
just like, “Oh no, that’s what you think of me? That’s how you see me?”
我觉得这种矛盾是永恒存在的
And I think that’s never going to go away.
这很普遍 埃默里大学的心理学家菲利普·罗肖
There’s always going to be—there’s this psychologist Philippe Rochat at Emory University
将之命名为“不可调和的分歧”
who has a name for this, he calls this the “irreconcilable gap”.
他觉得这个词用得名副其实
And so he really thinks this, it’s even in the name—it’s never going to go away,
因为你感知自己的方式
there’s always going to be this gap between the way
和他人感知你的方式之间总是有差距的
you perceive yourself and the way others perceive you.
我认为这就是我们所说的
And I think that’s at the heart of what we call
尴尬时刻或者尴尬度的要义所在
awkward moments or awkwardness—kind
此时我们为自己羞愧 或者羞于见人
of that uncomfortable feeling that you’re cringing at yourself or at somebody else.
这种尴尬状态不好把握
It takes a while but you can start to
但你可以训练自己化尴尬为力量
train yourself to think of that as a useful piece of information.
如果你试着向老板提出加薪或升职
If you try to negotiate a raise or negotiate a promotion at work or something,
老板说这句话就会让你非常不舒服:
it makes us uncomfortable when your boss is like,
哦 我看见你整天玩儿来着
“Oh actually I see you in this light.”
你知道 我们是不想听到这句话的
You know it’s not something we want to hear or if you say something and
或者别人认为你的话是在侮辱他
someone takes it as an insult,
其实你根本就是无心之举 可别人就是想歪了
and you didn’t mean it that way but the other person took it that way and
这种情况就会让你很尴尬
that makes you feel awkward or makes
当你意识到这一点时 你就会非常难为情
you feel self-conscious or cringe at yourself,
其实你可以告诉自己
you could just tell yourself that the other
别人的看法是无所谓的
person’s perception of you doesn’t matter,
他们是不对的 你自己心里明白就够了
it’s not true, you know you, and that’s it.
但我后来开始认真思考他人的观点
But I’ve started to think that it’s useful sometimes to take the other person’s point of view into mind.
我觉得他们不总是对的
They’re not always right;
你是疯了吗 不然你怎么会想证明
it would be insane to suggest that other people know you better
别人比你更了解你呢
than you know yourself,
但我有一种更好的处理这种情绪的办法
but one way I’ve figured out of how to deal with this emotion
就是将这种情感想象成
a little better is to start thinking of it
一种催你奋进的有益信息:
as useful information like,
或许这就是一个很好的途径
“maybe this is a way to start tiptoeing towards becoming this person
让我成为我想成为的人 成为理想的我
that I see myself as, this person that I wish I was.”
幽默定义的套路就是现实与预期的巨大落差
The nerdy definition of humor is an upended expectation,
这种情况下会造就许多尴尬的时刻
and that’s what so many of these awkward embarrassing moments are—
你一直觉得 我就是这样啊
you thought something was going to go this way, you thought you were coming across this way,
但事实恰好相反
and oops no, this other thing happened, this
其他人完全不这样看你
other person sees you in a totally different light.
我觉得当回想起这些尴尬时刻时
And I think if you could start to think
既好笑 也有用
of these moments as a little bit funny it helps, too,
或许这是个
and maybe to eventually turn it
你能向别人提起的很好的谈资
into a story you can tell somebody else.
我有两个关于尴尬者的事例要讲
I have two thoughts about awkward-embracers.
我在书里也谈过 我遇到很多尴尬的事
I mean I came across a lot of them and kind
还有一些完全是我自己造成的
of made myself do some awkwardness-embracing for the book too.
然后我接下来要说的这个人
But the one that comes to mind is there’s this guy,
他叫斯蒂芬·霍夫曼
Stefan Hofmann, he’s a therapist
他是波士顿的一个临床医学家
in Boston and he runs the social anxiety
他开了一个社会性焦虑诊所 就诊者在社交上都是非常笨拙的
clinic and people who have social anxiety feel awkwardness to the extreme,
他们过于难为情
they’re very self-conscious and
甚至无法正常生活
it really prevents them from living and
还错失了许多机遇 遗漏诸多欢乐
from a lot of opportunities and a lot of happiness.
而霍夫曼的治疗方式就是
And so his whole therapy is designed
营造一个让患者体会尴尬的情境
around making people experience awkwardness, like
比如让他们想一下:
having people dream up:
我心中最难为情的事情是什么?
‘What would be the most embarrassing thing I can think of to
霍夫曼就说:好的 继续往下想
do?’ And then he’s like, “Great, okay—now go do that.”
霍夫曼还让治疗者做过这样的事情
And so he’s had people do things like
让他们去书店和店员搭讪:
go into a bookstore and ask a clerk,
麻烦你 我想找一些关于放屁的书
“Excuse me, I am looking for books about farting.”
霍夫曼还让治疗者到就餐的地方
Or he’s had people go up to tables
去一个很漂亮的饭店对就餐者说:
at a restaurant—like at a nice restaurant—and say,
你好 我正排练伴娘致辞 我演给你看好不?
“Excuse me, I am working on my maid of honor speech. May I practice it for you?”
总之怎么毁形象就怎么来
Just these horrible, horrible things.
这种治疗方法就是
And the point is to kind of put them
将人们置于最可怕的社交梦魇中
through their worst social nightmares and then have
然后让他们超脱出来:
them come out the other side and be like
哇 我熬过来了 虽然别人用很奇怪的目光看我 但我一根汗毛也没少啊
“Oh, I survived. People looked at me weird but I survived.”
很多时候事情都不像你想的那么坏
And a lot of times it wasn’t as bad as they thought it was.
我觉得霍夫曼就是将尴尬幽默化
I think because his whole thing
他真正的目的就是
is framing this with humor too—he really wants people
让人们别把自己太当真
to take themselves less seriously, which is, again,
这也是我一直在对自己强调的人生态度
just a lesson I’m constantly having to learn, not to take myself so seriously.
我要讲的另一个
And then the other monthly ritual in putting yourself
将自己置于尴尬境遇的常规情景就是
in an awkward situation is this thing
我参与的一个“糗事舞台秀”
I came across called Mortified, which is this stage show.
就是让全国 世界各地的人站到舞台上
It’s all across the country, all across the world, where people get up onstage and
读自己的青春期日记
read from their teenage journals.
我看这个节目时就在想:
When I first came across this, I was like,
为什么?为神马有人如此奇葩?
“Why?! Why would anyone do that?!”
然后我读了自己的日记
And then I did it.
里面的许多经历简直就像在表演:
A lot of things in the book I almost did just as a stunt like,
我就是要这样做 多有趣啊
oh I’ll do this now and it will be funny.
很多次我都被曾经的自己惊吓到了
And almost every time I was surprised by how much I got out of it.
在台上读我的中学日记
Like getting up onstage and reading from my middle school journal,
这感觉…有点奇怪
it’s—in a weird way you would think
你可能会觉得站在台上将自己那些滑天下之大稽的糗事公布于众
that getting up there and reading some of the most embarrassing
会让你变成一个孤独的 隔膜的 愚蠢的个体
things you’ve ever thought would end up making you feel really alone and really isolated and really stupid,
但事实上我的感觉是我和其他嘉宾以及观众
but it ended up making me feel really weirdly connected to everyone
产生了一种奇妙的联系
else who has been in the show and everybody in the audience.
这是个喜剧节目
I think every time it’s a comedy show
所以会有一定的放大情绪的成分 但真的很有意思
and it’s like it’s done pull out of compassion but it’s also really funny.
当你看到一句话 你把它读出来
And when you get to a line where you read something
这句话写于你那敏感多情的12岁
that you wrote as a really angsty 12 year old and
别人听了展颜一笑 你也释然了
it makes everyone laugh it feels really good,
笑 是因为他们在你身上看到了当年的自己
because a lot of times people laugh because they recognize themselves in you.
所以如果他们也有这种经历
And so if they’re recognizing themselves
你就不是孤独的 你的尴尬就不再那么难为情
in you then you’re not alone—your embarrassing things,
谁没有年少轻狂过呢
they don’t have to isolate you.
我最终克服了自己的难为情
I ended up getting, out of this whole awkwardness
终于摆脱了那些深藏于心的人类普遍的尴尬
deep study, this common humanity vibe I was not expecting.

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译制信息
视频概述

为什么会有尴尬?我们应该以一种怎样的态度和方式去克服尴尬?

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

ccz

审核员

审核员 W

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuUEblJ3Jkc

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