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童年不幸,那就约会吧 – 译学馆
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童年不幸,那就约会吧

Dating When You've Had a Bad Childhood

In the course of any adult life, there will be periods when we’ll end up involved in
在成年人的生活中 我们总会遇到一些
that slightly odd, slightly unrepresentative and invariably slightly challenging activity: looking.
稍显奇怪 略为偏颇又稍具挑战性的事情:寻找
Most people around us won’t be any the wiser,
我们周围的大多数人也好不到哪去
but with greater or lesser subtlety, we will be scanning:
出于一些微妙的原因 我们会仔细审视:
suggesting coffees and lunches, accepting every invitation,
推荐咖啡和午餐 接受邀约
giving out our email addresses
公布电子邮箱地址
and thinking with unusual care about where to sit on train journeys.
考虑在火车旅途中应该坐哪儿
Sometimes the rigmarole will be joyful; at times, a bore.
这些杂事时而令人快乐时而让人厌倦
But for a portion of us, as many as one in four,
但对于四分之一的人来说
it will count as one of the hardest things we ever have to do.
这被列为最难却又不得不做的事情之一
Fun won’t remotely come into it.
这一点都不好玩儿
This will be closer to trauma.
近似于创伤
And it will be so for a reason that can feel more humiliating still:
个中缘由更让人难堪:
because, a long time ago now, we had a very bad childhood –
因为很久以前 我们经历了不幸的童年——
one whose impact and legacy we still haven’t yet wholly mastered.
我们还未能完全掌控它造成的影响
It may not look like it, but babies are also looking out for love.
也许看不出来 但婴儿也在寻求关爱
They’re not going out in party smocks
他们不会参加派对
or slipping strangers’ their phone numbers.
也不会把电话号码告诉陌生人
They are lying more or less immobile in cribs
他们只能躺在婴儿床里稍微活动活动
and are capable of little besides the occasional devastating cute smile.
除了偶尔展露笑颜 他们什么也做不了
But they too are looking out for someone’s arms to feel safe in;
但是他们的确也在寻找令人安心的臂弯
for someone who can soothe them,
寻找能够安慰他们
someone who can stroke their head,
轻抚他们脑袋的人
tell them it will all be OK
在他们感到绝望时
when things feel desperate
告诉他们一切都会好起来的
and lend them a breast to suck on.
给他们一个可以吮吸的乳房
They are looking – as the psychologists call it – to get attached.
正如心理学家所说 他们在寻找一种归属感
But unfortunately, for one in four of us,
但不幸的是 我们之中每四人就有一人
the process goes spectacularly wrong.
在这个过程中出了大问题
There is no one on hand to care properly.
周围没有人来照顾
The crying goes unheeded, the hunger unassuaged.
哭声无人理会 饥饿得不到缓解
No one smiles reliably or cuddles confidently.
没有可信的笑容和安心的拥抱
There is no welcoming breast.
没有人敞开怀抱欢迎
In the eyes of the care-giver, there is depression or anger
看护者眼中应有的喜悦和安慰
where there should have been delight and reassurance.
却被沮丧或愤怒替代
And as a result, a fear of existence takes hold for the long term –
结果 长时间被存在的恐惧攫住
and dating becomes a very hard business indeed.
约会成了一件非常困难的事情
For those of us who experienced early let downs,
对于早期经历过挫折的人来说
there is simply little in us that can ever believe that a search for love will go well –
很难相信追寻爱情的过程会一帆风顺
and we will therefore bring an unholy commitment to bear on ensuring that it doesn’t.
而且还会用不走心的承诺来证明它的曲折
The dating game becomes the royal occasion
当我们能证实心灵深处的怀疑时
when we can confirm our deepest suspicion:
约会就成了一种盛大的仪式:
that we are unworthy of love.
我们不值得被爱
We may, for example, fixate on a candidate who is –
例如 我们可能会把目光锁定在一位候选人身上
to more attuned eyes –
然而在明眼人看来
obviously not interested; their coldness and indifference,
他们显然无动于衷 置若罔闻
their married-status or incompatible background or age,
他们不合适的婚姻状况或背景或年龄
far from putting us off,
非但没有让我们却步
will be precisely what feels familiar, necessary and sexually thrilling.
反而会感到亲切 必要和性兴奋
This is what is meant to happen when we love:
这是我们坠入爱河时注定要发生的:
it should hurt atrociously and go nowhere.
遍体鳞伤却无可诉说
Or, in the presence of a potentially kind-hearted and available candidate,
或者 在面对一个可能友善可靠的候选人时
we may become so demanding and uncontained,
我们可能过于苛刻任性
so unreasonable and urgent in our requests,
突然提出不合理的要求
that no sane soul would remain in contention.
没有人乐意继续争吵下去
We will spoil any potentially good impression
我们生命中的自我怀疑和孤独
by bringing a lifetime of self-doubt and loneliness onto the shoulders of an innocent stranger.
可能会破坏留给陌生人的好印象
Alternatively, unable to tolerate the appalling anxiety of not yet quite knowing where we stand,
或者 无法忍受自己所处位置的可怕焦虑
we may decide to settle the matter by ourselves,
我们可能会决定自己来解决这个问题
preferring to crash the plane than see how it might land.
宁愿让飞机坠毁 也不愿看它如何着陆
We’ll interpret every ambiguous moment negatively,
我们会消极的解读每个不确定的时刻
for sadness is so much easier to bear than hope:
因为悲伤比心怀希望更容易承受:
the slightly late reply must mean that they have found somebody else.
回信稍微迟一些就表明他们有了新欢
Their busy-ness must be a disguise for sudden hatred.
忙碌只是掩饰厌恶的借口
The missing x at the end of their message is conclusive evidence
他们看穿了我们虚伪的外表
that they have seen through our sham facade.
结尾缺失的亲吻就是决定性的证据
To master the terror of another letdown,
为了控制对下一次失望的恐惧
we go cold,
我们变得冷漠
we respond sarcastically to sincere compliments
对真诚的赞美回以嘲讽
and insist with aggression that they don’t really care for us at all,
满怀敌意 坚信他们根本不关心我们
thereby ensuring that they eventually won’t.
并以此最终确认这一点
To escape these debilitating cycles,
为了摆脱这种恶性循环
we need to accept
我们需要接受这种想法
that we’re searching for someone to love us
即 我们在寻找爱我们的人
while wrestling with the most fateful of background suspicions:
即使要与宿命般的多疑作斗争:
that we don’t actually deserve love.
“我们不值得被爱”
It’s only by properly mastering what once happened to us,
只有正确地把握曾经发生在我们身上的事情
the letdown we first experienced as infants,
在婴儿时期初次经历的挫折
that we can start to separate out past trauma from present reality –
才能逐步把过去的创伤与现状分离
and therefore learn to navigate the ambiguities and occasional risks of adult dating.
因此 要学会处理约会时的猜疑和偶尔的困境
It isn’t that we have been told that we don’t deserve to exist;
并不是我们的存在没有意义
they’re just busy tonight.
他们只是今晚有事要忙
They don’t loathe us, they’re married to someone else,
他们不讨厌我们 只是娶了别人
as lots of people (who we carefully have chosen not to look at) happen not to be.
很多(我们小心地选择不去看的人)碰巧不是
They’re not peculiar,
他们并不奇怪
it’s just unfair and overwhelming to ask someone you’ve known for twelve hours
要求一个刚认识了12小时的人相伴一生
to make up for a lifetime of loneliness.
是不公平 也是难以接受的
We need to see that this is not the first time we have been ‘dating’.
要知道这并不是我们第一次“约会”
We have done it before long ago
我们很久以前就经历过
and it was the ways in which it went very wrong that holds the key to our adult errors –
而这个过程中的差错造成了我们成年后的错误
our intensity, our coldness and our lack of judgement.
我们的紧张 冷漠和缺乏判断力
The catastrophe we fear will happen has already happened.
我们担心会发生的灾难已经发生了
The challenges we set up for ourselves
我们为自己设置的挑战是
are attempts to get back in touch with a trauma we haven’t either understood or mourned.
试着重新接触我们未尝理解和哀悼的创伤
We can in time learn to ask people on a date
我们迟早要学着邀请他人出去约会
because we grasp that we’re not thereby asking them what we think we’re asking:
因为我们知道自己不会问出原以为会问的:
do I deserve to exist?
我有存在价值吗?
We’re asking something far more innocent, and far more survivable
如果答案是否
were the answer to be negative:
我们会问一些无关紧要 更有可能的事情:
m ight you be free on Friday?
你周五有空吗?
And we can survive because,
我们能活下来是因为
even though we once got terribly hurt in the nursery,
尽管我们曾在儿童时期受到严重伤害
we are now that most resilient of things: an adult.
我们现在是最有适应力的人:成年人
So we have many other options,
所以我们还有别的选择
we won’t (as we once feared) die of loneliness
即使这行不通
if it doesn’t work.
我们也不会像我们所害怕的那样孤独终老
We can take our time,
我们可以不疾不徐
we can allow things to emerge,
等待事情自行出现
we can tolerate ambiguity.
我们可以忍受猜疑
And with such security in mind,
有了这样的安全感
we can begin to do that most momentous of things: without risking our sanity,
我们可以开始理智地做最重要的事情:
see if someone we like might – after all –
看我们喜欢的人会不会
want to go out tonight
今晚有空出来玩儿
Our online shop has a range of books and gifts
我们的网上商店有书籍和礼物
that address the most important and often neglected areas of life.
涉及生活中最重要的但并不引人注目的领域
Such as finding a good enough partner,
例如找到一个足够好的伴侣
click now to learn more.
点击此处了解更多

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视频概述

通过约会来缓解童年时期遗留的创伤

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

clyze

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Papr5yrNLjo

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