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爸爸情结

Daddy Issues

说某人有“爸爸情节”
To say that someone has ‘daddy issues’
是不礼貌且带有羞辱意味地
is a somewhat rude and humiliating way
暗指一种易于理解的渴求:
of alluding to a very understandable longing:
渴望一位强壮、明智、贤明、和善
for a father who is strong and wise, who is judicious, kind,
有点小固执 但总体公正的父亲
perhaps at points tough, but always fair
但最终 还是会一直支持我们
and ultimately, always on our side.
想想这也是很容易理解的
It would be so understandable
我们希望在生活中遇到这样的人
if we were to feel we wanted someone like this in our lives,
尤其是当我们困惑、迷茫的时候
especially at moments of confusion and chaos.
“强大父亲的渴求”这一主题在历史长河中闪现
The longing for a strong father has been a recurring theme in history.
大多数宗教的主神是男性父亲角色
Most religions have conceived of their central divinities as male parents.
在古希腊 宙斯被刻画成“人神之父”
In ancient Greece, Zeus was described as the ‘father of men and Gods’;
而在基督教义中 上帝则是天国之父
in Christianity, God was the heavenly father;
在日耳曼神话里 欧丁神是万神之父
in Germanic mythology, Odin was the Allfather, the father of all other gods.
当今的世俗文化对这种渴求只增不减
The longing has been no less present in secular culture.
在美国 那些领导独立战争和起草宪法的伟人
In the US, the individuals who led the war of independence and drew up the constitution
被称为“先父”
came to be known as the ‘Founding Fathers’;
加里波第 一位有尊严 有权威的将军
Garibaldi, the dignified and authoritative man
在19世纪 为意大利的统一而奋战
who fought for the unification of Italy in the 19th century,
为自己赢得了“祖国父亲”的头衔
earned himself the title of the ‘father of the fatherland’.
在孩提时期 我们都很弱小 需要保护
In early childhood, we are all immensely weak and in need of protection.
我们不谙世事 而且相当脆弱
We can’t understand the world, we are so fragile,
被体型相当的狗咬死也不无可能
we could be killed by a moderately sized dog;
(我们)感觉有太多神秘且无法掌控的东西
so much feels mysterious and outside of our control.
在这种情况下 很自然地就产生了对“父亲”的渴望
A hunger for a ‘daddy’ is – in the circumstances—wholly natural.
对小孩而言 成年男性是极具魅力的 这很合理也难以避免
A grown man inevitably and rightly seems immensely impressive to a small child.
他们(成年男性)好像无所不知:
They appear to know everything:
知道新西兰的首都;通晓驾驶;
the capital of New Zealand;how to drive a car;
会说一些外语;
how to say few words of foreign language;
会剥鳄梨
how to peel an avocado.
他们睡地出奇地晚 却总比你起得早
They go to bed mysteriously late. They’re up before you.
在泳池里 你可以用手臂扣住他们的脖子 趴在他们背上休息;
In the swimming pool, you can put your arms around their neck and rest on their back;
他们有次将球踢得很高 你差点就见不着影了
They once kicked a football so high, you nearly couldn’t see it
这在四岁孩子的眼里 简直难以置信
It’s beyond astonishing when one is four…
爸爸情节这一悖论表明:患者几乎是那些
The paradox of daddy issues is that those who have them are almost always
小时候没有受到好父亲照顾的人
people who didn’t have very good fathers when they were small.
他(患者)的爸爸可能很强壮 但却冷酷 暴力 冷漠
Perhaps one’s father was strong but ultimately cruel, bullying or disinterested.
可能更喜欢其他孩子或沉迷工作
Perhaps he was more interested in another sibling or in his work.
也可能常常不在身边 离婚后抛弃妻子 或是英年早逝
Perhaps he wasn’t around much, left the house after a divorce or died young.
成年人父亲情节的产生 不是因为小时候有位好父亲的照顾
The adult longing for a father is not the result of having had a good father in childhood:
而是惨遭父亲抛弃的结果
it’s a consequence of abandonment.
这种渴望会使我们产生一些微妙的行为举止
The longing can incline to us some tricky patterns of behaviour.
无论我们在大多数领域表现得多么成熟或怀疑
However mature and sceptical we may be in most areas,
但在父亲的庇护这一理念上
in relation to the idea of male protection,
我们仍持有一些儿时的想法
we remain a little like the young child we once were,
总也成熟不起来
and haven’t been allowed to mature away from.
我们默默地渴望有一个男人 能够符合我们的幻想角色 走进我们的生活
We secretly yearn for a man to step in and fulfill an unquenched fantasy role.
一切由他们定夺;由他们做重大决定;
They’ll take charge; they’ll make the big decisions;
他们不屈不挠 总能解决我们的难题
They’ll be tough, certain to make our problems go away.
他们懂得合理理财;
They’ll make sure the money side of things is sorted;
对伤害我们的人 他们会变得愤怒而具攻击性;
they’ll get angry and aggressive with anyone who hurts us;
他们会为我们感到自豪 并爱我们最真实的样子
they will be proud of us and love us as we are.
我们会在友情里 工作中寻找这样父亲形象的人
We’ll be looking out for daddies in friendships, at work.
还有 在政治上(寻找)
And not least, in politics.
不幸的是 这些“父亲”可能最终将摧毁我们的信任
The danger is that these ‘daddies’ may in the end hugely damage our trust,
因为没人能满足我们对他们作为“父亲”的渴求
for it isn’t in anyone’s power to assuage the sort of longings we bring to bear on them.
他们可能很清楚我们渴望什么
They may know very well what we want,
然后天真散漫地承诺 会为我们实现
And naively or cynically promise to provide it for us.
但渐渐地——为时已晚
But gradually—too late.
我们开始发现人无完人 他们也一样有各种各样的缺陷
we stand to realise that they had a thousand flaws, as we all do.
我们可能意识到 他们并不那么伟岸反而更恃强凌弱
We may realise that they are bullying rather than noble;
意识到我们的敌人尚存;意识到他们帮不了我们
that our enemies haven’t gone away;that they couldn’t help us;
意识到并没有足够的钱去兑现他们的承诺
that there isn’t in fact enough money in the world to do what they promised;
还意识到:他们并不真心爱我们
and that,in fact—they didn’t really love us at all.
成年人幻想的“父亲”形象
The fantasy ‘Daddy’ figure of adulthood
不会是一个好父亲 一个很重要的原因在于:
isn’t in fact a good father for one big reason:
真正聪明的人知道他们并非无所不能
truly good humans know they aren’t that powerful
一旦我们接受了这一事实
and are happy to admit to the fact cleanly and honestly,
他们会清晰而实诚地乐于承认这个事实
just as soon as we are ready to take the news,
这通常发生在我们12岁的时候
which is normally when we are around twelve years old
那时意识到了新的力量和能力
and conscious of new powers and capacities.
一位好父亲并不是在那之后打肿脸充胖子
A good father doesn’t beyond that age pretend to be all powerful,
他们会坦言 无法解决我们所有的难题
they confess they can’t solve all our problems,
也无法神乎其神地把我们从各种险境里救出
and can’t magically save us from a myriad of dangers,
无论他们内心多么希望自己能做到
no matter how much they wish they could.
一旦我们强大到能够接受现实
The good daddy disappoints us
好爸爸就会令我们失望
just as soon as we are strong enough to bear reality.
因为爱 他们提出“完美老爹”是存在的
Out of love,they define the idea that there could ever be a “perfect ideal daddy”.
他们尽最大努力帮助我们成长
They try as best they can to help us grow up.
如果我们遇到某人有“爸爸情节”
If we encounter someone who has ‘daddy issues’,
我们会沮丧地告诉他们成熟点 或讥笑他们
the temptation is to get frustrated, to tell them to mature, to mock them
尤其是讥笑那些被识破的父亲形象
and in particular – poke fun at the particular daddy figure they might have identified.
这并非明智或善意之举
This isn’t either a very wise or ultimately a very kind strategy.
这样只会使他们(患者)更加投入
It simply tends to entrench their devotion because
因为当我们受到攻击时 我们比任何时候更加
whenever we are attacked,we of course feel ever more intensely than ever
需要来自理想父亲的保护
the need for the protection of an idealised father.
我们真正需要的 能帮助我们摆脱父亲情节的事情
What we really need to help us out of our daddy issues
是那些真正的好父亲的行为
is something more like the actions of a genuinely good father:
真正的好父亲 能真正能理解我们的痛苦和恐惧
someone who truly acknowledges our suffering and our fears,
真心想要为我们好且不吝言辞;
who deeply wants what is best for us and isn’t reluctant to say so;
同时又因为深爱着我们 帮助我们应对
but who at the same time,out of love,wants to help us come to terms
这个混乱、令人失望的世界;
with a messy and essentially disappointing world;
因为爱而鼓励我们独立成长
a man who out of love,will encourage us to be independent,
尤其让我们不再幻想:
and specifically, not to fantasise that anyone,
外表强悍的人 无所不能
however outwardly imposing, can ever do the impossible.
好爸爸会让我们接受事实:说到底
Good daddies allow us to bear the truth that there are, in the end—
“完美老爹”是不存在的……
no ‘daddies’…
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视频概述

很多成年人因为小时候没有得到足够的父爱,所以成年后依然渴望能有一个“好父亲”,予以寄托自己的理想父亲形象。

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瞌睡虫儿

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQAXMyAnWuk

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