面对批评从非轻易之事
Criticism is never easy.
了解到在别人眼里
To learn that others judge us to be
自己愚蠢、固执 、丑陋又烦人
foolish, perverse, ugly or unpleasant
对任何人来说 都属于生活中最困难的事
is one of the most challengingaspects of any life.
然而 批评对我们造成的影响千差万别
However, the impact of criticism is hugely variable
最终结果取决于一个令人意想不到的细节
– and depends ultimately on a rather unexpected detail:
我们有着一个怎样的童年
what sort of childhood we have had.
我们在受到批评时只是感觉不愉快
The clue as to whether criticism will be experienced as merely unpleasant
还是遭受毁灭性打击
or wholly catastrophic
关键在于 多年前最早照顾我们的人
lies in what happened to us many decades ago
使我们经历了什么事情
in the hands of our earliest caregivers.
糟糕的童年意味着什么?
What is meant by a ‘bad childhood’?
这仅仅是关于爱的问题吗？
Is here a matter, rather simply, of love
婴儿刚出生时 靠自己存活下去的能力
An infant arrives in the world with a very limited capacity
十分有限
to endure their own being.
正是他人的包容 热情和宽恕
It is the tolerance, enthusiasm and forgiveness of another person
让我们逐渐适应了生活
that gradually acclimatises us to existence.
看护人看待我们的独特方式
Our caregivers’ characteristic way of looking at us
会成为我们看待自己的方式
becomes the way we consider ourselves.
别人对我们的爱
It is by being loved by another
使我们学会带着同情心去看待
that we acquire the art of looking sympathetically
那些古怪又讨厌的人
on our cracked and troublesome beings.
相信我们自己
It is simply not in our remit
并不是人类的本能
to believe in ourselves on our own.
我们完全依赖一种
We are utterly reliant on an inner sense
从出生起就被别人
of having been valued inordinately
格外珍惜爱护的内在感觉
by another person at the start
来对抗之后被世人忽视带来的挫败感
as a protection against the subsequent neglect of the world.
我们不需要被很多人爱
We don’t need to be loved by many,
一人足矣
one will do,
并且这种爱只需持续到12岁 16岁更好
and twelve years might be enough, sixteen ideally,
但若没有这样的爱
But without it,
就算受到再多的赞美
the eternal admiration of millions
我们都不会相信自己身上有闪光点
won’t ever be able to convince us of our goodness.
一旦拥有了这样的爱
And with such a love,
无论受到多少轻蔑 我们都不会垮掉
the scorn of millions won’t ever need to be fatal.
糟糕的童年使我们倾向于
Bad childhoods have an unfortunate tendency to drive us to seek out
寻求常理中有机会被
situations in which there is a theoretical possibility
人们大加赞赏的场合
of receiving outsized approval
这样下去 同时意味着
– which also means, along the way,
你有被别人极端厌恶的风险
a high risk of encountering outsized disapproval.
这些情感缺失现象的原因 直端端地指向
The emotionally deprived return almost manically to the question,
一个从未被解决的问题
never really settled of:
“我值得存在吗？”
‘ Do I deserve to exist? ’
这就是那些人为了出名和有所成就
And this is why they typically put unusual effort
而异常努力的原因
into attempts to be famous and visibly successful.
但理所当然
But of course
这个世界绝对不会给焦虑的人
the world at large will never give the emotionally nervous
他们所追求的那种无条件肯定
the unqualified confirmation they seek;
总会有反对与批评的声音
there will always be dissenters and critics,
他们被自己的过去折磨
people too bashed about by their own pasts,
无法善待他人
to be able to be kind to others,
因为这种论调 不管周围的人群有多热情
and it’s to these voices,that those with bad childhoods will be accused
那些有着糟糕童年的孩子都将受到指责
however enthusiastic the crowd as a whole might be.
我们可以观察到
We can observe along the way
成为一个好的家长的重要标志
that the chief marker of being a good parent is that one’s child simply has
是孩子对争求他人喜爱这件事毫无兴趣
zero interest in being liked by large numbers of strangers.
当我们被批评时候
We do not all hear the same
我们听到的并不完全相同
thing when we are criticised.
我们中的一些幸运者 只听到此时此刻
Some of us, the lucky ones, hear just the surface message
最浅层的信息
from the here and now:
比如 我们的工作成果不尽如人意
for example, that our work fell short of expectations,
我们必须加把劲工作
that we must try harder with our assignments,
我们写的书 拍的电影 唱的歌不够完美
that our book, filmor song wasn’t excellent.
这些是可以忍受的
This can be bearable.
但更容易受伤的那些人听到的更多
But the more wounded among us hear far more.
批评会直接让他们回想起
Criticism takes them straight back to the
最初的伤害 现在与过去的挫折
primordial injury. An attack now becomes entwined
缠绕在一起 变成巨大的
with the attacks of the past and grows enormous
难以处理的伤害
and unmanageable in its intensity.
领导或者不友好的同事变成让我们
The boss or unfriendly colleague becomes the parent
失落的根源
who let us down.
一切都被牵扯到问题里来
Everything is pulled intoquestion.
我们不仅工作欠佳
Not only was the work subpar, we
而且柔弱可悲 不值得存在
are a wretch, an undeserved being,
我们就像一堆排泄物一样 是世上最差的人
a piece of excrement, the worst person in the world,
因为这就是很久以前
for that is how it felt, back then,
在脆弱 无助的幼小心灵中的感受
in the fragile, defenceless infant mind.
深入了解我们敏感的童年 可以给我们
Knowing more about our tricky childhoods provides us
提供一道重要防线
with a vital line of defence
以消除批评造成的不良影响
against the effects of criticism.
这意味着在面临挫折的时候
It means that we can be on our guard,
我们可以保持警惕
when we are attacked, against
避免不必要的伤害
raising the stakes unnecessarily.
我们可以学着把今天的结论和
We can learnto separate out the verdict of today from
我们身边的情感判断区分开来
the emotional verdict we are carrying
要总是试图
around with us and always seeking to confirm with
看清当前的事件
the use of current events.
我们学到了
We can learn that,
无论我们现在面临的挫折有多令人伤心
however sad the attacks we are facing, they
它们都和我们伤心的根源——从前的委屈
are as nothing next to the real tragedy andthe effective cause of our sadness: that things
毫无关系
went wrong back then.
这样我们就能直接把注意力放到问题的根源
And so we can direct our attention to where it really belongs;
父母们错误的育儿方式 而不是此刻的批评
away from today’s critics and towards theunconvinced parent of yesteryear.
在这个层面上
We can forgive
我们可以原谅那个生来就
ourselves for being, in this area,
脆弱敏感的自己 那不是我们的错
through no fault of our own, fatefully sensitive – and,
而实质上是缺乏安全感的结果
in essence, mentally unwell.
我们不能阻止世间的伤害
We can not stop the attacks of the world,
但我们可以通过
but we can – through
对我们过去的探究来改变伤害带来的影响
an exploration of our histories – change what they mean to us.
更重要的是 我们也可以
We can also, importantly,
获得第二次机会
get a second chance:
返回过去纠正我们对世界最初的判断
we can go back and correct the original verdict of the world.
采取措施让自己与朋友们坦诚相见
take measures to expose ourselves to the gaze of friends or,
更好的是能遇到一个
more ideally, of a talented
从最开始就以亲切对待我们
psychotherapist who can hold up a more benign
并使我们认识到我们本该天赋异禀的
mirror and teach us a lesson that should have been
出色的治疗专家
gifted us from the start;
和别人一样 不管有何缺点 我们都值得存在
that like every human, whatever our flaws, we deserve to be here.
《生命学院》相信
At The School of Life we believe that
自信是一种可以学到的技能
the confidence is a skill we can learn
我们的“自信鼓励卡”
Our confidence prompt cards
旨在帮助你掌握这门神秘的艺术
are designed to help us master this mysterious art.
点击了解更多
Click now to learn more.