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心理咨询众猫相

Cats In Therapy

Well, I think I’m here because someone thinks I have anger issues,
我猜我被送来 是因为某人看到我对伦巴舞的态度
because how I am treating the rumba.
怀疑我有暴躁倾向
Now I think there’s resentment there.
我们之间可能有点旧怨
I wanna to go in the marketing,
我想出去闯荡
and he wanna me to be an indoor cat.
但他只想我乖乖待在家里
Now we have seven plants, and we’re thinking about getting more.
我们养了七种植物 还想再养一些
Em…It’s a lot to chew on, like actually chew on, that’s what I do all day.
要好好咂摸的东西有好多 字面意思 我每天可没少咂摸
Now that’s fine. My earliest memory was being alone,
现在没事了 最早的记忆里我是孤单一个
eh…behind a Trader Joes in Glendale.
呃……活在格兰岱尔市的一家乔氏超市后面
I thought my mother was this package of soft tofu,
我把掉在垃圾桶后面的一包
that is falling …eh…behind the dumpster.
呃……嫩豆腐 当成了我妈妈
And one day it gets really hot and the things fermented,
然后某天 非常热 那包豆腐发酵了
and I’m needing it, right?
我当时正和它相依为命 对吧
And It just blow up, all over me.
结果它炸了 溅了我一身
And I’m just covered in junks or what I thought, with my mother
我一身垃圾 或按我当时的想法 被妈妈环抱
So do you think that’s relevant?
你觉得这和我的问题有关系吗?
I think it was one stepback week,
我觉得这周毫无长进
and I did everything you said, per more,
你说的每件事我都做了 只多不少
make eye-contact,
和她眼神交流
sh*t next to her on her bed
在她的床上挨着她拉便便
oh…were that might be the problem?
哦……是因为这个吗?
Sure, she tries, she got me a peacock feather the other day.
当然 她努力过了 有天她给了我一根孔雀羽毛
One,
就一根毛
here’s an idea, get me the whole peacock and let me murder it on that juke regur hair,
要我说 不如给我来只整的 让我把它挠到死
which feels like identical, by the way, to the scratching post, identical.
顺便一提 这和猫抓板是一个感觉 一模一样
but no no no, that’s not for Libby.
但是不不不 那可不是Libby我能得到的
Oh man, what is this, pashmina?
哇哦 这是啥 羊绒披肩吗?
I don’t even know what pashmina is.
虽然我压根没见识过羊绒披肩
But this feels like f*cking peshmina.
但这感觉就像他妈的羊绒
Question. Has milk ever come out of this?
提问 这个挤得出奶吗?
No?Em…kay
不能?好吧
So I’m sitting on his lap
当时我正坐在他的膝盖上
and he’s playing 20 questions with somebody’s friends, right,
他在和朋友玩“20个问题”
and he gets a card, and the clue is cat.
他拿了张卡 上面是猫
And so one of his friends says, does it have fur?
然后他的一个朋友问 这东西有毛吗?
And he says
然后他说
yes.
“有毛”
And I get it is a game, but, where does it leave me? you know.
我知道这只是个游戏 但这要让我怎么想呢?
Yes, I’m in the right place.
嗯 我没走错
Was this end of the dock? Cat therapist?
这就是码头尽头吗?猫咪治疗师?
I am a cat, you’re a therapist.
我是猫 你是治疗师
What the f*ck this always happens?
妈的为什么总是要这样?
I’ more of a cat than that wrinkle pitbull lechers bark down here?
因为我比楼下那只皱巴巴的斗牛犬更像只猫吗?
Just do your magic, brain witch.
随你施法吧 大脑巫婆
So I wake up, and I have this thing on my head.
醒来时 我发现头上有这么个东西
You’ve had your head stuck in the box, em… it’s sort like that, like always.
感觉像是把你的脑袋卡在盒子里 一如往常
And, my balls are missing.
然后 我发现我蛋蛋不见了
I’m not saying she did it, but she is acting like everything is normal.
我并没有怀疑是她干的 但她表现得像是一切正常
And this is not normal.
但这一点也不正常
Let’s be honest, I mean.
坦诚点吧 我是说
It’s mainly been a physical relationship, which is been great.
我们主要是肉体关系 这没什么不好的
I’m getting older, I’m almost 11.
但我也老大不小 都快11岁了
You start thinking about what you have in common,
于是开始思考我们之间的共同点
and that’s not that… my…Oh…
不是那里……我的……哦……
Good, that’s good.
很好 很棒
Now he puts me on Instagram all the time.
他总是把我发到Instagram上
And it says “love of my life” and… all that.
再配些“我生命中的爱”之类的话
But then he disappear for hours,
但他接着就几小时不见人影
and when he comes home he just does an jerky like he used do.
等到他回家时 他照常是个混蛋
Oh…gosh I meant the cat toy
天啊 我是在说猫玩具
That came how wrong.
真是大错特错
There’s definately something on the blanket, I’m telling you.
毯子上肯定有什么东西在 我说真的
We go to the bed,
我们上床睡觉时
he moves, I jump, nothing there.
他躺上去 我跳上去 但上面什么都没有
It moves somewhere else.
那东西跑到别处去了
I don’t know what the hells going on.
我不知道到底怎么回事
Okay. But why do you assume it was me?
好吧 但你为什么怀疑是我?
You left for the bathroom.
你去洗手间了
I’m professional, by the way.
顺便说一句 我很专业
And I sat right here
我就坐这没动
Maybe it came like that, and you just didn’t notice.
也许它买来就这样 只是你没注意
Maybe you did it.
也许是你自己干的
Sure, I have those thoughts.
当然 我有这些想法
And I… probably start with the eyeballs,
我……可能从眼睛开始
then go to the toes. But I wouldn’t do it.
然后到脚趾 但我不会这么做
Yep, that’s her.
对 就是她
I say come to couple therapy.
我叫她来做团体心理辅导
And she brings Candy Crush.
结果她坐下就玩《糖果粉碎传奇》
It’s 2019, who plays Candy Crush?
都2019年了 谁还玩《糖果粉碎传奇》啊?
图片授权来源于SHUTTERSTOCK 音乐授权来源于凯文·麦克劳德

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视频概述

做猫的烦恼一样不少

听录译者

aaalzyj

翻译译者

条条大鹿通罗馬

审核员

审核员SF

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxM8Eb_IoFY

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