我想说 写书的目的是为了继续以一个讲故事人的身份来表达我自己的想法
I mean the purpose of writing my book was to express myself to continue being a storyteller.
这有两个故事
These are two stories.
它叫做生活的一部分因为那些我们扮演的角色
It’s called Life in Parts because of the parts we play.
不仅是我职业生涯中所扮演的角色也包括我们作为人类所扮演的角色
Not only the parts I played in my profession but also the parts we play as human beings.
我是个父亲
I’m a father.
也是个丈夫
I’m a husband.
更是个哥哥
I’m a brother.
还是个公民 一个邻居 等等各种各样的角色
I’m a citizen, a neighbor, and all those things.
并且所有人都是这样
And we all are.
我们都以这种方式展现我们自己
We all present ourselves that way.
我也想真诚的写
I also wanted to write honestly
因为我认为如果我不是在叙述事实那么还有什么意义呢
bcause I thought if I’m not telling the truth then what’s the point.
生活中自我发泄皆有道 但这种情况下不会
It’s masturbatory which has its place in your life but not in this case.
我想表现得很好 这就是我所担心的
I wanted to present it to say okay, here’s when I was afraid.
也是我不安的
Here’s when I was insecure.
这是个令我欣赏 也是考验我的时代
This is times when it was really trying on admire or testing me.
你提到的两件事之前我娶了一位美丽年轻的女子
The two incidents that you mention I was married once before to a lovely young woman who we
后来发现我们不适合
just, we weren’t suited for each other.
所以就分开了
And so we separated.
各自生活
We parted ways.
度过了4年的感情生活后 我重新一个人生活了
And out of that four year togetherness I was newly single.
差不多一个月左右 当时去参加一场试镜然后就遇到了Ava
And within a month or so I was on an audition and I met this woman named Ava whose name
名字后来我“取”的
I changed.
她很有进取心 果断自信还美丽 我都惊呆了
And she was aggressive and assertive and beautiful and I was kind of taken aback.
很快我们就走到了一起 迅速成为了男女朋友关系
And we got together quickly and we were boyfriend and girlfriend before I could blink.
后来我发现她有些不对劲
And then I realized there was something off about her.
不对劲的事就是 她吸毒
And what was off about her is that she was addicted to drugs.
但是具体我不知道是哪一种毒品
But I never knew exactly what kind of drugs.
对毒品我真的是一点不懂 当然我还在准备考警校呢
I was really very ignorant about drugs because I was on that track to become a police officer
我从来不参与吸毒这种事情
and I just never indulged.
偶尔抽过大麻 但我从来不喜欢这东西 所以对我一点吸引力都没有
I’d smoke pot once in a while but it was never my thing so it didn’t appeal to me.
除此之外 没沾过任何毒品
And I’ve never done any other drug than that.
所以也是完全不了解这东西但注意到她的行为和以往不同
So I was very ignorant on that but I noticed her behavior was different.
刚刚她还一直流汗 然后就好了 一会情绪低落
She would be sweating one moment and then she’s fine and then she’s down and then
一会异常兴奋
she’s up.
感觉好像有怪事在发生
IT’s like there’s something very strange going on.
我试着去摆脱这段感情 但她太强势了 拒绝分手
And I tried to get out of the relationship and she was so powerful she refused the breakup.
当我决定去结束这段感情的时候想到了一些可能会出现的情况
When I decided I was going to breakup with her I thought of the possible scenarios.
她可能会生气
She could be angry.
哀求
She could be pleading.
可能也和我想的一样
She could agree with me.
是的 我认为分开是最好的
Yeah, I think it’s best we should breakup.
当然可能还会出现许多情况
There could be any number of things.
我也考虑过根据她的反应作出我该有的回应
And I thought about how I would react depending on what reaction she would give.
唯一没有料到的是她说不行
The only thing that I didn’t count on is that she said no.
就平静地说了句 不行 我们不会分开的
Just calmly said so, we’re not breaking up.
我都不知道怎么办了
I don’t know what to do with that.
她很好强 也很独断 所以一直在迫使我回到她身边
And she was so aggressive and assertive that she just kept pulling me into her life and
这太疯狂了
it was crazy.
故事说起来比较长后来她开始跟踪我 出现在我工作的地方
It’s a longer story but she started stalking me and showed up at work.
当时我在纽约正忙着一部肥皂剧制作她就突然出现了
I was working on a soap opera at the time in New York and she showed up at work and
后来被赶出了工作室
she was thrown out of the studio.
那段时间里她都会在我答录机里留言
And she would leave these messages on my answering machine in those days.
这都是80年代早期的东西了
This is the early eighties.
她威胁要找人杀了我 当我对此漫不经心的时候
And threatening me that she was going to have me killed and when I least expect it.
她会说 你无处可藏
She would say I can find you any time.
听着 我就在你节目的现场
Look, I was on the floor of your show.
就是这么简单
That’s how easy.
感觉就像 对 她说的对
And I was really like she’s right.
她非常聪明 感觉就是 喔 天哪 任何时候她都能找人
And she was very smart and it was like oh my god, at any moment she could have someone
把我给办了
just kill me.
她之前明确说过这点
And she said specifically that.
她唯一的弱点就是 她深爱着她妈妈
The one Achilles heel that she had was that she loved her mother deeply.
我之前见过她几次 她是个友好善良的女人
And I had met her mother a couple of times and she’s a lovely lady.
有一次我接起电话
And one time I picked up the phone.
通常我是不会接的 但那次接了 对方是Ava
I usually didn’t answer the phone but I picked up the phone and it was her.
当然我就 噢天哪
I went oh god.
当然我就告诉她 听着Ava 别再给我打电话了
And I just told her I said look Ava, don’t ever call me again.
放手吧
Leave me alone.
别再恐吓了
No more threats.
你威胁恐吓的留言我都留着呢
I have all these threats on my answering machine.
如果你再这样下去 我肯定会把事说给你妈听
If you continue with this I will tell your mother.
我要让你妈妈听听你的这些恐吓
I will let your mother listen to your threatening my life.
沉默了
Silence.
她没作声
Silence on the phone.
过会她说 我想要那个录音带
Then she came back on and said I want that tape.
把它给我
I want that tape.
她用一些下流话尖叫着
And she’s screaming obscenities.
然后我说 Ava 听着
And I went Ava, listen to me.
我向你保证 如果你不再纠缠我我会清除掉那些录音带
I promise you I will erase these tapes if you leave me alone.
但如果你还这样 我就会把它们送到你妈妈那去
But if you don’t I will give them to your mother.
要是你不再纠缠 你妈妈就绝不会知道这些
But if you leave me alone your mother will never hear them.
我向你保证
I promise you that.
我要来拿那些录音带
I’m coming for the tapes.
我要来拿
I’m coming for the tapes.
这些事情让我一直在颤抖 因为她给我的生活带来了
And this was at the point of I was already shaking because she had made so many threats
太多的威胁
against my life.
她来到我的公寓
She came over to my apartment.
我也知道 她知道我住哪
I knew she knew where I lived.
她按下门铃
And she buzzed.
在纽约就是 如果你按铃了 就会有人也按铃让你进来
Of course in New York if you buzz every apartment someone’s going to buzz you back in, you
就这样
know.
时常发生
It just happens.
所以她就上来了 在我门前一顿猛敲
So she came up and she’s pounding on my door.
让我进去
Let me in.
她冲我吼着
She’s screaming at me.
把那些录音带给我
I want those tapes.
完全疯了
Just a madwoman.
我在床脚蜷缩一团
And I am at the foot of my bed curled up in a ball.
转而又想了想之后 内心觉得太丢人了
And part of me when I think back on it was embarrassed.
这个年轻的女子我当时28岁
This young woman – I was 28 years old.
我是一个高大强壮的青年
I was a strapping strong young man.
她才五尺二的身高 105斤而我竟然害怕她
This woman was five foot two, 105 and I’m frightened of her.
我想 如果我够坦诚的话 可能会一直抬不起头了
And I think there was some embarrassment along with that if I’m honest.
这件事让我意识到 不管你有多么渺小 那都没关系
And it made me realize that it doesn’t matter how small someone is.
主要是主动权
It’s power.
拥有这种权利的人会合理使用或滥用这种权利这也要看情况而定了
It’s someone who’s taking power and using it or abusing it as the case may be.
总之 我在床脚蜷缩一团 终于有了这股力量
Anyway, I’m at the foot of my bed curled up into a ball and I finally had it and I
我平静地站了起来 走到门前 打开门锁开了门
just calmly got up and I went to the door and I unlocked the door and I opened the door,
她就站在那儿
she was there.
我抓着她的头发 把她拉了进来 关上门
I grabbed her by the back of the hair and I pulled her in, closed the door and I pulled
把她拉进我的房间当时我公寓里面有一片砖墙
her into my room and there was one brick wall in my apartment at the time.
我抓着她的后脑勺 重重的向那面砖墙撞去
And I took her by the back of the head and I slammed her head into the brick wall over
一次又一次的撞
and over and over again.
一直把她的头往砖墙上重重的撞直到血和脑组织的东西
I just kept slamming her head into the brick wall until blood and brain matter was dripping
沿着砖墙流到地板上
down the brick down to the floor.
然后我突然醒悟过来 发现我还是在床脚呆着
And then I jolted and realized I was still at the foot of my bed and I looked over to
我向砖墙看去
the brick wall.
当然什么都没发生
Of course nothing was there.
我像病弱的狗一样喘息着 呼吸短促
I’m panting like a sick dog and shallow breaths.
我都吓死了因为看起来发生的事情太真实了
I was so scared because what I saw in my vision was so real.
我看着自己就像灵魂出窍一样走了出去杀了这个我害怕的女人
I saw myself like step out of my body calmly and kill this woman who I was frightened of.
我就像一个被逼入绝境的动物一样然后我出来开始攻击
I was like a cornered animal and I came out and attacked.
这是真实发生的经历
And that was an experience that really happened.
不好意思
Excuse me.
在绝命毒师里就出现过当我对迈克很愤怒时 我会有杀他的念头
I used that in Breaking Bad when I felt I got so angry at Mike I could kill him.
也可以杀其他人
I could kill someone else.
为什么会这样呢？
Why?
是怎么出现的？
How?
怎么可能会这样呢？
How is that possible?
确实 我有这样的经历我知道我们中即使最温顺的人
Well I had this experience in my life and I knew that even the meekest person among
如果面临过多压力 如果遇到极其危险的情况也会变得极端危险的
us if pressured, if given the set of circumstances that were dire could become extremely dangerous.
这就造成了Walter White的变化
That’s where Walter White went.
不管是对自己还是他人 他都异常危险因为他已经处于
He became extremely dangerous to himself, to others because of a condition that he was
那种环境下
in.
他感觉他被逼到了某个可以保护自己的地方就像Ava
He felt he was forced into a certain place that he had to defend himself like Ava, like
就像卧室里蜷缩一团的我一样一想到谋杀我就要吓死了
me in my bedroom cowering, frightened out of my mind to the point where I envisioned
太可怕了
this murder.
这也让我认识到绝望的人到底能变成什么样
And it made me realize how desperate human beings could become.
对我来说最好的事情就是我可以在我的艺术表演中以放松的形式
The best thing I could say out of it is that I was able to use it in sort of a therapeutic
去使用这种力量 以此来去表达自己的感情所以我不会去保留这些情感
way in my art to be able to express myself so I don’t harbor these feelings.
我要净化消除他们
I purge them.
这是真的
So that’s real.