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先改变自己才能改变他人

Be the Change You Want to See

我们常常花很多时间来试图改变他人
We spend a lot of time trying to change other people.
毕竟 每个人都有那么多缺点
There is, after all, so much wrong with them:
他们自私自大 恃强凌弱 虚弱冷漠 贫困等等
they’re selfish, arrogant, bullying, weak, cold, needy and so on.
因此我们总是试图指出对方的问题
So we try to point some of this stuff out
而后遭遇冷眼与否认
and often meet with resistance, denial or sheer indifference.
这种态度更加激怒了我们
This can be very agitating
变得更加让人焦躁
and hence renders us cross and severe.
为什么人们不接受我们的建议?
Why won’t people take our lessons on board?
我们的行为一般趋向于两种完全不同的行为模式之间
In our behaviour, we tend to be making an implicit distinction between two projects:
改变别人和改变自己
getting other people to change – and changing ourselves.
我们都知道必须要以某种方式改变 但现在我们的关注点在改变他人身上
We know we may have to develop in certain ways, but for now, our focus is on altering others.
我们让自己的行为变化依赖于他人的改变之上
We make an evolution in our own behaviour conditional on evolutions in other people’s.
我们扬言如果他们变的和善我们也会变好 如果他们不高声尖叫我们也会放弃大喊
We vow that we’ll be nicer if they’re nicer, that we’ll be less strident if they give up shouting.
然而这样很容易丧失人们重要的洞察力
However, we’re prone to miss an important insight:
改变别人对你的态度的最快方式就是先改变你对他的态度
changing how you behave to others can be the fastest way to alter how others behave towards you.
人们的反馈行为取决于对方的行为程度
People tend – to a remarkable extent – to mirror behaviour.
这就是所谓的人不犯我
If someone is aggressive around them, they become aggressive back.
我不犯人
If someone is gentle, they become soft in return.
如果你聪明行事 就会从他人身上学会潜在的智慧
If someone acts wisely, it’ll draw any latent reserves of wisdom out of the audience.
我们经常处于一种矛盾的状态 提倡好的行为时又做着不好的行为
We’re often in the paradoxical position of advocating one kind of behaviour while making use of quite another.
我们可能会愤怒地建议别人冷静下来
We might quite angrily suggest that someone else calm down.
或者为了合群一直恃强凌弱
Or we may bullyingly insist to a person that they try to be more empathetic.
这样的我们值得被同情
We deserve sympathy.
焦虑很容易使人远离自己倡导的行为
It’s the agitation and anxiety of trying to teach that can easily take us far from the behaviour we’re advocating.
记住这句话
Here it bears to remember a saying
虽然很有用 但经常被误认为是圣人甘地说的
often falsely attributed to Mahatma Gandhi though eminently useful nevertheless:
做你想看到的改变
“Be the change you want to see.”
它有一些关键点
It captures something key:
举例来说 放弃为教而教是很明智的事情
how sensible it may often be to give up on teaching directly in order to try teach by example.
这有一个很好的见解:
This has one great advantage:
我们可以控制自己但很难直接控制他人
we can control ourselves while it’s remarkably hard to exert any sort of direct control over anyone else.
我们对他人的失望
Our disappointment with other people
应该重新作用于控制我们可靠地下命令
should be redirected towards exerting control over the one thing we can reliably command:
对我们自己
ourselves.
那我们展现出的一些美德就会显著激发他人的模仿
Seeing us exhibiting certain virtues has a remarkable ability to inspire others into imitating us.
即使对方没有立刻改变
And even if change is not immediate,
我们也会为自己的真诚而感到自豪
we can at least take pride in the integrity of our position,
因为我们所拥有的力量和尊严已经成为了我们想要看到的变化
knowing that we’ve had the strength and dignity already to started to become the change we want to see.

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改变自己和改变他人哪个更直接,更简单?为什么要先改变自己?

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ov8LxC1raI

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