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给大学生的一份建议

Advice to Undergraduates

大学是你用所有金钱 时间和尊严
A university is a collection of buildings where in exchange
换来的一个建筑群
for all of your money, time, and dignity,
你会被报以一次黏湿的握手
you’ll be rewarded with a clammy handshake,
几张系着特殊绶带的纸
some paper with a special ribbon,
以及对社会严重失望的人生
and a lifetime of crippling social regret.
学科从养蜂技术到管道爆破工程 无所不包
Subjects might range anywhere from beekeeping to crack pipe engineering,
但完整地去学习一些东西是很重要的
but it is important to study something with integrity.
而我说的完整
And by integrity,
是指任何一个有着不成比例的超高人气的学科
I mean whichever course is the one disproportionately populated with hot people.
如果你从上大学的第一周开始
If you remember anything at all from the first week
就把一切都记住 那你就错了
of university, you’re doing it wrong.
酒精可以解决这个问题
This can be solved with alcohol.
学生们最爱把三份巴卡弟
The typical student favorite is to mix in three parts Bacardi,
一份淡酒和少量欧芹混合
one part lighter fluid, and a sprinkle of parsley.
我们过去把它称作“神经学家”
We used to refer to this as, “The Neurologist.”
主要是因为喝了它之后你需要拜访一下神经科医师
Mainly because after drinking the thing, it became necessary to visit one.
学生们尝试过多种治疗宿醉的方法
Students practice a number of hangover cures,
但我推荐阿司匹林
though I can recommend Aspirin,
两片药就可以治好中等程度的宿醉
two tablets should take care of a medium-sized hangover,
100片足以包治百病
100 tablets should take care of anything more severe
包括那个时候你的生活里
including any other problems you may happen to have
可能遇到的任何其他问题
in your life at the time.
在上课的第一天你会见到你的教授
On your first day of lectures, you will meet your professors.
他们的工作就是
It’s their job to bend over backwards
拼命让你相信你比他们懂得多
to accommodate your belief that you know more than they do,
尽管他们已经把整个人生都花在了这份工作上
despite them having studied their entire lives for this job.
他们都这样说 “是的”
“Yes,” they all say,
“为着永恒自由的精神 请你告诉我更多开创性的想法”
“Please tell me more about your groundbreaking idea for perpetual free energy.
作为一个物理学教授
As a physics professor,
这个概念对于我来说是全新的 但我确信
the concept is completely new to me and I’m sure a delinquent,
一个疑似十八岁的惫懒家伙
and frankly dubious smelling 18 year old is
都能反驳这该死的热力学的全部历史
about to disprove the entire history of fucking thermodynamics.”
大教室里会有许多学生
Lectures will consist of many students all sleeping at once,
一上课立马睡着
in a large room, with a
教室前面有个聪明人滔滔不绝
clever person talking at the front.
研讨会大部分都很类似
Seminars will consist of much the same, but
但只有少数学生睡觉
with only a few students sleeping as it’s
因为在研讨会上更加难以入梦
harder to get away with it.
如果你被教授吓醒了
If you are startled awake by the professor,
他的话以“嗯?”结尾
and the sentence ends in an, eh?
那你可能是被点名提问了
You have probably just been asked a question.
不要慌
Do not panic.
如果你是在上英国文学课或者参加哲学研讨会
If it’s an English lit or a philosophy
你就老实回答
seminar you’re in, answer that frankly you
你发现文章中某处存疑或过分简化
found the text problematic and simplistic in places,
等掌声渐息 再重新整理好你的贝雷帽
wait for the applause to subside, then readjust your beret.
如果是数学课或科学课
If it’s a maths or science subject,
准备好自己跳窗吧 没人救得了你
try launching yourself out the window, because you’re probably fucked.
你会发现你正和洛夫克拉夫特梦魇里的
You may find yourself sharing a prison block
用身体气味作为主要防御机制的可怕生物
with Lovecraftian nightmare creatures,
共享一个监狱般的房间
who use body odor as a primal defense mechanism.
欢迎来到学生宿舍
Welcome to Student Accommodation.
在接下来的几年里
In the coming years,
你可能会有机会搬离学校
you’ll probably have the opportunity to move off campus.
你与之共进午餐或从派对中结识的朋友
Friends who you generally knew from eating lunch together, or partying,
会突然占领隔壁的房间
will suddenly occupy the room next door.
多么难以置信
It will seem inconceivable,
几个星期前还那么可爱的人
that someone so lovable only weeks before, is in fact,
实际上肮脏的本领堪称天才
such a consummate filth wizard.
跟这个房子中所有其他物体一样
No no, just like all the other objects
让盘子继续在水槽里堆着就好
in the house, plates are of course self-cleaning.
它会自己变干净
Please continue to stack them up in the sink,
就像精心准备的马戏表演
like some kind of elaborate circus performance. Decency,
体面 那是什么?
what’s that?
我喜欢在早上五点听暴力反抗机器
I simply love’Rage Against the Machine’ at 5:00 in the morning, top volume,
要开到最大音量 伴以震天响乱糟糟的美妙音乐
accompanied by the deafening, and discordant melodies of frantic shagging.
大多数大学附近都建有许多娱乐场所
Most universities sport a number of recreational establishments nearby.
许多当地的迪斯科舞厅
Many of the local discotheques will
会怂恿你听如癫痫发作般的喧闹音乐
encourage standing epileptic fits to loud music,
并鼓励你消费大量的酒
and consumption of large quantities of alcohol.
如果那些不是你的风格
If that doesn’t sound like your thing,
图书馆通常二十四小时开放
the library is usually open 24 hours
并且他们会很开心你埋头在档案室里
and they’re happy for you to do acid in the archive room.
只要你不告诉他们
As long as you don’t tell them
你是在里面做迷幻药
you’re doing acid in the archive room.
在最后一年 你会被要求写一篇论文
In your final year, you may be expected to write a thesis.
你要在截止日期前几个月完成初稿
The first draft should be finished several months in advance of the deadline;
尽管你也可以在沉醉于足够剂量的脱氧麻黄碱
though it can be begun and completed the night
的前一晚开始甚至写完初稿
before hand-in with access to strong enough methamphetamine.
如果你正确规划大学生活
If you’re doing university properly, you’ll
你可能以为你已经把学科知识弄懂了80%
probably go into it thinking you already clued up about 80 % of your subject.
通过论文你可以学习剩余的20%
And you’re here to learn the remaining 20%.
在学年中期
By the middle year/years,
你就会意识到事实上你只懂20%
you may realize you in fact know about 20 %,
而你只剩很短的时间去学习剩下的80%
and you have a short time left to learn the remaining 80 %.
临近毕业的时候 你明白了
And upon graduation, you’ll now understand
你对你所学的领域几乎一无所知
that you understand almost nothing about your field,
而多的是比你有天赋
and that there is an ocean of people more talented
也比你更努力的人
at and committed to it, than you.
那可真是棒极了 让人如此安心
So that’s nice and reassuring.
看吧……
Look…
上面系有一根特别的缎带
it’s got a special ribbon on it.
相反 毕业可能是一个大学生最难的部分
Paradoxically though, graduating is perhaps the hardest part of being an undergraduate.
大学以外的世界很不同
The world is quite different outside of university.
如果你不做事不准时 发邮件时语气不好
If you don’t do stuff on time, you still get angry emails,
你发现自己也并没有被解雇
but you also might find yourself unemployed,
只是很有可能无比潦倒
and possibly impoverished.
如果人们发现你在他们的花园里呕吐
Members of the general public often grow unreasonably annoyed
他们经常不合情理地被惹怒
if they notice you vomiting on their garden.
令人惊讶的是
And quite by surprise,
你发现你被说成是个 “真性情的人”
you will notice you are now expected to be and quote, “Actual Person.” Unfortunately,
不幸的是 这才是真正的受教育时期
this is in fact, the real, education period.
你自己学习 给自己打分
You teach yourself, grade yourself, ultimately.
仅需的学费是不多不少刚好一生的时间
And the only tuition fee is exactly one lifetime.
你早晨一醒来课堂就开始了
Lectures begin when you wake up in the morning,
到你睡着了它才结束
and end when you go to sleep.
你学习的时候 就像是什么也没学一样
And what you’re supposed to be learning, is not at all obvious.
其他的每个人也都是生存大学的学生
Everyone else is also a student at Existence University.
他们有的人似乎永久地注册了
Some of them appear to be perpetually enrolled in a course called,
一门称作“如何永远做领头羊”的课程
“How to be a Total Cock Like All the Time.”
其他人则获得了
Others are getting their Masters and PhD’s in
“做个好人就好”这门课程的硕博学位
“Just Being a Good Human”
我谦恭地建议你和他们闲逛
and I humbly suggest you hang out with them.
反正最后期限不会延长
Deadlines will not be extended.
剽窃不被容忍
Plagiarism will not be tolerated.
书本的最后也不会有答案
The answers will not be found at the back of the book.
无论如何 大学以后的时间
In any case, the years after university are
主要是为培养那些
mainly for cultivating those qualities that may have been
你大学时丢掉的品质
missing from your days as a student, namely,
比如自尊 个人卫生 基本社交能力 谦逊
self-respect, personal hygiene, basic social skills, humility,
和宽容的品格
and a tolerable personality. Or,
如果这些听起来并不能吸引你
if those don’t sound appealing, why
为什么不好好利用这个学位去奋斗
not make the most of that degree, and catastrophically
而是沉迷Youtube让父母无尽失望
disappoint your parents by becoming a YouTuber.

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视频概述

来来来,看过来人教你怎样“混”过大学。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

靡初

审核员

审核员SX

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0J2LObdT-g

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