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一款体验悲痛的游戏

A video game to cope with grief | Amy Green

两月前 我和孩子们围着一个手机
Two months ago, my kids and I huddled around a cell phone
看着Game Awards的直播
watching the live stream of the Game Awards,
这是视频游戏行业的年度盛事之一
one of the video game industry’s biggest nights.
他们宣布了年度最具影响力的游戏提名
They announced the nominees for the Game for Impact,
该奖项颁发给那些启迪思想
an award that’s given to a thought-provoking video game
并具有深远社会意义的游戏
with a profound prosocial message or meaning.
他们打开信封
They opened the envelope
念出了我们的游戏名
and they read the title of our video game.
最具……
An award …
影响力奖
for impact.
实际上想想非常可笑
It was almost funny, actually,
因为我一直认为赢得这样一个奖项
because I always thought that winning an award like that
会给我的生活带来极大影响
would have this huge impact on my life,
但我发现恰恰相反
but I found that the opposite is true.
那晚
The big nights,
这些成就——
the accomplishments —
消散如烟
they fade.
但那些生命里最艰难的夜晚我却一直无法忘记
But the hardest nights of my life have stuck with me,
影响着我
impacting who I am
和我所做一切
and what I do.
2010年 我的第三个儿子Joel
In 2010, my third son, Joel,
被诊断出一种罕见的恶性脑瘤
was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.
那年年底
And before that year was finished,
医生坐在我和我丈夫的身边
doctors sat my husband and I down
告诉我们Joel的脑瘤复发了
and let us know that his tumor had returned
即便是最强力的化疗和放疗也无济于事
despite the most aggressive chemotherapy and radiation that they could offer him.
那个可怕的夜晚
On that terrible night,
当我们知道Joel可能只有四个月时间之后
after learning that Joel had perhaps four months to live,
我哄着两个大点的孩子睡觉
I cuddled up with my two older sons in bed —
他们那时是五岁和三岁
they were five and three at the time —
我真的不知道他们能够理解多少
and I never really knew how much they understood,
所以我跟他们讲了一个睡前故事
so I started telling them a bedtime story.
故事主人公是一个叫Joel的勇敢骑士
I told them about this very brave knight named Joel
他的冒险征程是要战胜一只叫作“癌症”的恶龙
and his adventure fighting a terrible dragon called cancer.
每晚 我都接着讲述这个故事
Every night, I told them more of the story,
我一直不想把它讲完
but I never let the story end.
我只能创造一个世界 让他们能够理解
I was just building up a context that they could understand
并且祈盼我们的祷告能被应许
and hoping that our prayers would be answered
我永远不会告诉孩子们那个骑士
and I would never have to tell them that that knight,
那个勇敢搏斗的骑士
who had fought so bravely,
已不再征战
was done fighting
永远长眠了
and could rest now, forever.
幸运的是 我不需要结束这个睡前故事
Fortunately, I never did have to finish that bedtime story.
孩子们已经成长
My children outgrew it.
Joel姑息疗法的效果超出所有人的预期
Joel responded better than anyone expected to palliative treatment,
他不只是坚持了几个月
and so instead of months,
而是数年
we spent years
数年中我们学会全身心地爱着即将消逝的他
learning how to love our dying child with all of our hearts.
学会直面自己那令人羞愧的
Learning to recognize that shameful feeling
希望爱有所保留
of holding back just a little love
以至于在漫长的告别旅程中
to try to spare ourselves just a little pain
能减少痛楚的想法
somewhere further down the road.
我们征服了那有所保留的自私
We pushed past that self-preservation
因为Joel值得去爱
because Joel was worth loving
即使这是能彻底击溃我们的爱
even if that love could crush us.
认清人性最为深切的软肋
And that lesson of intense vulnerability has changed me
比以往任何一次获奖更大地改变了我
more than any award ever could.
我们开始相信Joel可以活下去
We started living like Joel could live,
并且开发了视频游戏“癌之恶龙”
and we began developing a video game called “That Dragon, Cancer.”
这是属于Joel的游戏
It was the story of Joel.
这是一个在死亡阴影下寻求希望的故事
It was the story of hope in the shadow of death.
故事中有着信仰
It was the story of faith
亦有踌躇
and doubt,
更有这般领悟:与疑虑斗争乃是信仰的一部分
and the realization that a wrestle with doubt is a part of faith —
或许是最大的一部分
maybe the biggest part of it.
故事始于奇迹
It was a story that began as a miracle
以纪念碑为终
and ended as a memorial.
(音乐)
(Music)
(婴儿笑声)
(Giggle)
(拍手)
(Clapping)
(音乐)
(Music)
(视频)爸爸:跳一跳~喜欢么?
(Video) Dad: Bouncing around, do you like that?
(咯咯笑)
(Giggle)
我喜欢你咯咯笑
I love your giggle.
(音乐)
(Music)
(咯咯笑)
(Giggle)
[这是一段在死亡阴影下追寻希望的旅程]
[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]
[癌之巨龙]
[That Dragon, Cancer]
(音乐)
(Music)
当你玩“癌之巨龙”
When you play “That Dragon, Cancer,”
你将见证Joel的一生
you’re transformed into a witness of Joel’s life,
在情感世界中探索
exploring an emotional landscape,
在每次点击中 体会我们作为家人的经历和感受
clicking to discover more of what we as a family felt and experienced.
它像是在赏析一首感性的诗歌
It feels a little bit like analyzing interactive poetry
因为每个游戏机制皆为隐喻
because every game mechanic is a metaphor,
当玩家越频繁地叩问
and so the more the player asks themselves
我们设计者想要表达的内容和原因
what we as designers were trying to express and why,
他的体验便越丰富
the richer the experience becomes.
Joel教会了我们的人性之脆弱
We took that vulnerability that Joel taught us,
我们将之融入游戏
and we encoded the game with it.
玩家期盼着游戏能够提供多种剧情
Players expect their video games to offer them branching narrative
这样他们的种种选择都显得重要
so that every decision that they make feels important
并能够改变游戏的结局
and can change the outcome of the game.
我们颠覆了这一游戏设计理论
We subverted that principle of game design,
将玩家的选择压缩减少
collapsing the choices in on the player
以至于玩家会发现
so that they discover for themselves
无论如何选择 都对Joel命运无能为力
that there is nothing that they can do that will change the outcome for Joel.
但他们意识到之时 便会体会到
And they feel that discovery as deeply and desperately
我们在无数夜晚
as we felt it on nights
将Joel拥在怀中 祈祷数小时的绝望
when we held Joel in our arms praying for hours,
固执地希望着奇迹来临 即使早知徒劳
stubbornly holding out hope for a grace that we could not create for ourselves.
我们都希望赢
We’d all prefer to win,
但是若你发现根本赢不了的时候
but when you discover that you can’t win,
你会追求什么呢?
what do you value instead?
我未曾想过写这个游戏
I never planned to write video games,
但那段时光真的改变了我们的生活
but these moments that really change our lives,
改变我们的往往是最困难 而非最荣耀的时刻
they often come as the result of our hardship — and not our glory.
当我们认为Joel能够挺住时
When we thought that Joel could live,
我将游戏设计交给我丈夫
I left the game designing to my husband.
我只为一两个场景
I chimed in here and there
的构思指点和提供思路
with a scene or two and some suggestions.
但当Joel离去那晚后
But after the night that Joel died,
这股动力
the passion,
通过视频游戏使Joel的一生得以传播的可能性
the possibility of sharing Joel’s life through our video game —
这是我无法拒绝去做的一件事
it was something that I couldn’t resist.
我开始更积极地参与
I started writing more,
我参加团队的设计讨论会
I sat in on our team’s design meetings,
提供更多想法 指导很多场景
I added more ideas and I helped direct scenes.
我发现做视频游戏如同讲一个故事
And I discovered that creating a video game is telling a story,
却用着完全不同的词汇
but with an entirely new vocabulary.
想象力和表现形式的基本元素都是一致的
All the same elements of imagination and symbolism are there,
但是需要融入到游戏角色的设计
but they’re just partnered with player agency
和整体的感染力中
and system responsiveness.
虽然充满着挑战
It’s challenging work.
虽然我需要用全新的思维方式去制作
I have to think in a totally new way to do it,
但我爱着这一切
but I love it.
没有Joel我永远无法触碰这些
And I wouldn’t have known that without Joel.
或许你们会为我们在
Maybe you’re a little surprised
视频游戏中分享晚期癌症故事而感到吃惊
by our choice to share our story of terminal cancer through a video game.
或许你所想跟之前很多人一样:
Perhaps you’re even thinking like so many people before you:
癌症并非儿戏
cancer is not a game.
但对任何儿女得了癌症的父母而言
Well, tell that to any pediatric cancer parent
他们可能会把医疗手套吹成个大气球
that’s ever taken an exam glove and blown it up into a balloon,
可能用注射器做一个火箭飞船
or transformed a syringe into a rocket ship,
或是让他们的孩子骑在静脉注射架上
or let their child ride their IV pole
在医院走廊玩耍
through the hospital halls
仿佛一场赛车比赛
like it was a race car.
因为当你有了孩子
Because when you have children,
做任何事都会变成游戏
everything is a game.
尤其是当你的孩子忍受创伤
And when your young child experiences something traumatic,
你会更努力地让他们的生活过得更像游戏
you work even harder to make sure that their life feels like a game
只因孩子天生是通过游戏来理解世界的
because children naturally explore their worlds through play.
虽然一个家庭会被癌症带走很多东西
While cancer can steal many things from a family,
玩耍却无法被偷走
it shouldn’t steal play.
如果你在听我讲述的时候 想象到这个
If you’re listening to me and you’re trying to imagine this family
围绕着这个即将逝去的孩子的家庭
that revolves entirely around a dying child,
但你想象的画面中没有一丝欢乐
and you can’t imagine joy as part of that picture,
那就说明我们这个分享故事的做法是对的
then we were right to share our story with you,
因为那个时候我们的生活极其艰难
because that season of our life was hard.
无法言表的艰难
Unspeakably hard at times,
但亦有单纯的希望
but it was also pure hope,
深沉的爱
deep love
和我未曾体验的快乐
and joy like I have never experienced since.
我们希望通过游戏分享我们曾经的世界
Our video game was our attempt to share that world
给那些不曾体验的人
with people who hadn’t experienced it before,
因为在我们亲身经历前 从未想象过
because we never could imagine that world until it became ours.
我们的游戏非常难玩
We made a video game that’s hard to play.
它永远不会成为畅销游戏
It will never be a blockbuster.
人们在玩之前需要为这个早知会令你心碎
People have to prepare themselves to invest emotionally
的游戏做好投入情感的准备
in a story that they know will break their hearts.
但当我们心碎过后
But when our hearts break,
愈合之后的心却有些许的不同
they heal a little differently.
一种新的 深刻的慈悲之心治愈我的心碎
My broken heart has been healing with a new and a deeper compassion —
我渴望与经受苦难的人们共坐
a desire to sit with people in their pain,
以倾听其故事 不吝啬绵薄之力
to hear their stories and try to help tell them
让他们知道自己并不孤独
so that they know that they’re seen.
在“癌之巨龙”赢得最具影响力奖那晚
On the night when “That Dragon, Cancer” won the Game for Impact Award,
我们举杯欢庆
we cheered,
我们笑着聊起Joel
we smiled and we talked about Joel
以及他在我们的生命中留下的影响
and the impact he had on our life —
那些我们共度过的艰难却充满希望的夜晚
on all of those hard and hopeful nights that we shared with him
他改变了我们的内心
when he changed our hearts
教会了我们关于生命与爱 关于信仰与意志
and taught us so much more about life and love and faith and purpose.
那个奖项对我的分量远不及他的一张照片
That award will never mean as much to me as even a single photograph of my son,
但它代表了所有那些命运被影响了的人
but it does represent all of the people who his life has impacted.
那些我素未谋面的人
People I’ll never meet,
他们偶尔为我写信
they write me emails sometimes.
说他们想念Joel 即使素未谋面
They tell me that they miss Joel, even though they never met him.
他们诉说了为孩子所流的泪水
They describe the tears that they’ve shed for my son,
听到这些 我的悲痛便些许得以缓释
and it makes my burden of grief just a little bit lighter,
就像当我知晓一个10岁的孩子
knowing that it’s shared with a 10-year-old
用YouTube分享了它
watching a YouTube playthrough,
或是一个医生在飞机上用手机玩这个游戏
or a doctor playing on his airplane with a smartphone,
又或是一个教授向一年级哲学新生分享了Joel的故事
or a professor introducing Joel to her first-year philosophy students.
我们创造了这款难度极高的游戏
We made a video game that’s hard to play.
但是这正是我想要的
But that feels just right to me,
因为我们生命中最艰难的时光
because the hardest moments of our lives
改变了我们 这是以往任何一个成就都无法比拟的
change us more than any goal we could ever accomplish.
悲剧改变了我们的心境
Tragedy has shifted my heart
这也是未来任何一个成真的梦想
more than any dream
都达不到的高度
I could ever see come true.
谢谢你们
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

诞生于悲痛 体验于悲痛 结束于悲痛 却予人最深的力量

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

zohar

审核员

审核员U

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWJwa7lntTs

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