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沙特人、印度人和伊朗人走进一家卡塔尔酒吧

A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ... | Maz Jobrani

你好 多哈 你好!
Hello, Doha. Hello!
大家好 [阿拉伯语]
Salaam alaikum.
我喜欢来多哈这个地方 它是那么的国际化
I love coming to Doha.It’s such an international place.
像联合国一样(国际化)
It feels like the United Nations here.
你降落在机场 被一位印度女士接待
You land at the airport,and you’re welcomed by an Indian lady
她带你到阿玛哈酒店 在那儿你见到了菲律宾女士
who takes you to Al Maha Services,where you meet a Filipino lady
菲律宾女士把你交给了南非女士然后南非女士把你带到韩国女士那里
who hands you off to a South African lady who then takes you to a Korean
而韩国女士将你同行李一并转交给了一个巴基斯坦人
who takes you to a Pakistani guywith the luggage
他把你送到斯里兰卡司机那儿
who takes you to the carwith a Sri Lankan.
你进了酒店办了入住 (前台)是个黎巴嫩人
You go to the hotel and you check in.There’s a Lebanese.
耶?然后一个瑞典人带我看了房间
Yeah? And then a Swedish guyshowed me my room.
我说 “卡塔尔人哪儿去了?”
I said, “Where are the Qataris?”
[笑声][掌声]
[Laughter][Applause]
他们说 “不不 天气太热了 卡塔尔人等会儿才出来 他们聪明得很”
They said, “No, no, it’s too hot.They come out later. They’re smart.”
“他们懂的”
“They know.”
[笑声]当然了 多哈成长得很快 有时会伴有成长的阵痛
[Laughter]And of course, it’s growing so fast,sometimes there’s growing pains.
你知道的 比如有时候你会偶遇别人
You know, like sometimesyou run into people
你觉得他们很了解这座城市 但是其实他们没那么了解
that you think know the city well,but they don’t know it that well.
我的印度计程车司机赶到了W酒店
My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,
我让他带我去希尔顿酒店 他说 “没问题 先生”
and I asked him to take meto the Sheraton, and he said, “No problem, sir.”
后来我们在车里静坐了两分钟
And then we sat there for two minutes.
我说 “出什么事了”他说 “有个小问题 先生”
I said, “What’s wrong?”He said, “One problem, sir.”
[笑声]我说 “什么问题?”他继续说道“那地儿在哪儿?”
[Laughter] I said, “What?” He goes, “Where is it?”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
我又说道 “你才是司机 你应该知道啊”
I go, “You’re the driver,you should know.”
他说 “不 我刚到这儿 先生”
He goes, “No, I just arrived, sir.”
我说 “你刚到W?”“不 先生 我刚到多哈”
I go, “You just arrived at the W?””No, I just arrived in Doha, sir.”
[笑声]“我在从机场回家的路上拿到了这份工作 我已经上岗了”
[Laughter]”I was on my way home from the airport, I got a job. I’m working already.”
[笑声]他继续道 “先生 您干嘛不来开车呢?”
[Laughter] He goes, “Sir, why don’t you drive?”
[笑声]“我不认路啊”
[Laughter]”I don’t know where we’re going.”
“我也是 这会是一场刺激的探险 先生”
“Neither do I. It will bean adventure, sir.”
[笑声]确实是场探险 在过去几年里 中东一直都处在险情之中
[Laughter] It is an adventure. The Middle East has beenan adventure the past couple of years.
中东因为阿拉伯之春运动和改革等而变得疯狂
It is going crazy with the Arab Springand revolution and all this.
今晚这儿有黎巴嫩人吗?有的话请鼓掌
Are there any Lebanesehere tonight, by applause?
[欢呼]黎巴嫩人 是吧?
[Cheering]Lebanese, yeah.
中东正在变得疯狂
The Middle East is going crazy.
你们知道 中东地区变得疯狂时 黎巴嫩却是整个地区最和平的地方
You know the Middle East is going crazy when Lebanon is the most peacefulplace in the region.
[笑声][掌声]谁能想到呢?
[Laughter] [Applause]Who would have thought?
[笑声]我的天哪
[Laughter] Oh my gosh.
不 中东地区有很严重的问题
No, there’s serious issues in the region.
有些人不愿意谈起 我今晚就要在这儿谈谈
Some people don’t want to talk about them.I’m here to talk about them tonight.
中东的女士们先生们 这个严肃的问题是这样的
Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,here’s a serious issue.
当我们见面问候时 到底要亲几下?
When we see each other, when we say hello, how many kisses are we going to do?
[笑声]每个国家都不一样 这很令人困惑 好吗?
[Laughter] Every country is differentand it’s confusing, okay?
在黎巴嫩 亲三下
In Lebanon, they do three.
埃及 亲两下
In Egypt, they do two.
那时我在黎巴嫩 我习惯了亲三下
I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.
后来我去了埃及 想跟一个埃及人说你好
I went to Egypt. I went to say helloto this one Egyptian guy,
我亲了一下 两下 要亲第三下时——
I went, one, two. I went for three —
他没打算接住
He wasn’t into it.
[笑声]
[Laughter]
我告诉他 “不不 我刚刚在黎巴嫩来着”
I told him, I said, “No, no,I was just in Lebanon.”
他说 “我不在乎你从哪儿来 请你保持不动”
He goes, “I don’t care where you were.You just stay where you are, please.”
[笑声][掌声]我去了沙特阿拉伯
[Laughter] [Applause]I went to Saudi Arabia.
在那儿 他们会亲一下 两下 然后他们就只亲一头了
In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,and then they stay on the same side:
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18——
10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 —
[笑声]下次你再见到阿拉伯人 就凑近点儿看
[Laughter] Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.
他们只是有点儿倾斜了
They’re just a little bit tilted.
[笑声]“阿卜杜尔 你还好么”
[Laughter]”Abdul, are you okay?”
“我只是打了一个小时的招呼 没事儿”
“I was saying hellofor half an hour. I’ll be all right.”
[笑声]卡塔里人 你们会鼻子贴鼻子
[Laughter] Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.
为什么呢?是不是两边都亲太累了?
Why is that? Are you too tiredto go all the way around?
[笑声]“哈比比 天儿太热了 你过来下 咱们打个招呼
[Laughter]”Habibi, it’s so hot. Just come herefor a second. Say hello.
你好 哈比比 别动 保持这个姿势 好吧
Hello, Habibi. Just don’t move.Just stay there, please.
我得歇歇”
I need to rest.”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
在伊朗 我们有时亲两下 有时三下
Iranians, sometimes we do two,sometimes we do three.
我的一个朋友跟我解释道 在1979年革命之前 亲两下
A friend of mine explained to me,before the ’79 revolution, it was two.
[笑声]革命后 三下
[Laughter] After the revolution, three.
所以跟伊朗人打招呼 你能通过他们轻吻的次数
So with Iranians, you can tellwhose side the person is on
判断出他是哪一派的
based on the numberof kisses they give you.
对吧?如果你开始亲了 一 二 三下“我真不敢相信你竟然支持那种政体!”
Yeah, if you go one, two, three –“I can’t believe you support this regime!”
[笑声]“你亲了三次”
[Laughter]”With your three kisses.”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
但是 伙计们 真心讲 来到这个地方太令人激动了
But no, guys, really,it is exciting to be here,
就像我说的 你们在文化层面上做了很多 懂吧 那太惊人了
and like I said, you guysare doing a lot culturally, you know, and it’s amazing,
这些努力帮助改善了西方人眼中的中东形象
and it helps change the imageof the Middle East in the West.
许多美国人不了解我们 不了解中东
A lot of Americans don’t knowa lot about us, about the Middle East.
我是个伊朗裔美国人 我来到了美国 你们懂的 我旅行到这儿
I’m Iranian and American. I’m there. You know, I’ve traveled here.
有好多事呢 我们是会笑的 对吧?
There’s so much, we laugh, right?
人们不知道我们还会笑
People don’t know we laugh.
当我做邪恶坐标轴喜剧巡回表演的时候 有次在喜剧中心演出
When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,it came out on Comedy Central,
我上网看看大家的评论
I went online to seewhat people were saying.
最后我上了保守派的网页
I ended up on a conservative website.
一个网友给另一个留言 他说 “我从来不知道这帮人还会乐呢”
One guy wrote another guy. He said,”I never knew these people laughed.”
想想吧 在美国电影或者电视节目里 从来都看不到我们笑 是吧?
Think about it. You never see us laughingin American film or television, right?
也可能笑得跟恶魔一样 “呜哇哈哈哈哈哈”
Maybe like an evil laugh: “Wuhahaha.”
[笑声]“我要以真主的名义杀了你 呜哇哈哈哈哈哈哈”
[Laughter]”I will kill you in the nameof Allah, wuhahahahaha.”
[笑声]但从来都不会 “哈~哈~哈~哈~”
[Laughter] But never like, “Ha ha ha ha la.”
[笑声]我们喜欢开怀大笑 我们热爱歌颂生活
[Laughter] We like to laugh.We like to celebrate life.
我也希望有更多美国人去中东旅行
And I wish more Americanswould travel here.
我总是鼓励朋友 “去旅行吧 见识真正的中东有那么多东西值得看 那么多和善的人”
I always encourage my friends: “Travel, see the Middle East, there’s so much to see,so many good people.”
反过来也一样 这会有助于阻止那些
And it’s vice versa,and it helps stop problems
误解和刻板印象问题的发生
of misunderstandingand stereotypes from happening.
比如 我不知道你们听过没有
For example, I don’t knowif you heard about this,
不久前在美国 有个穆斯林家庭从飞机过道走下来
a little while ago in the US,there was a Muslim family walking down the aisle of an airplane,
讨论着飞机上最安全的座位是哪儿
talking about the safest placeto sit on the plane.
有些乘客无意间听到了 不知怎么地误解成了恐怖分子谈话以至于他们被踢下了飞机
Some passengers overheard them, somehow misconstrued thatas terrorist talk, got them kicked off the plane.
那是个家庭 有母亲 父亲 孩子 谈的是座位问题
It was a family, a mother, father, child,talking about the seating.
作为一名中东男性 我知道有些事不应该在美国的飞机上讲出来 对吧?
As a Middle Eastern male, I know there’s certain thingsI’m not supposed to say on an airplane in the US, right?
我不该走下通道
I’m not supposed to bewalking down the aisle,
说着“嗨 杰克!”这一点儿都不酷
and be like, “Hi, Jack.” That’s not cool.
[笑声]即使我是跟名叫杰克的朋友在一起的 我会说“你好 杰克 向你致敬 杰克”
[Laughter] Even if I’m there with my friendnamed Jack, I say, “Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack.”
从来不像 “雷猴啊 杰克”
Never “Hi, Jack.”
[笑声]
[Laughter]
但是如今 很显然 我们甚至不能
But now, apparently we can’t even talk
谈论有关飞机上最安全的座位的问题
about the safest placeto sit on an airplane.
所以我有一条建议 给中东朋友和穆斯林们
So my advice to all my Middle Easternfriends and Muslim friends
以及任何长得像中东人或穆斯林教徒的人
and anyone who looksMiddle Eastern or Muslim,
就是给那些 你们懂的 印度人 拉美人等等棕色皮肤的人——[笑声]
so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,everyone, if you’re brown — [Laughter]
这就是我给我棕色朋友们的建议
Here’s my advice to my brown friends.
[笑声]下次你们再乘美国航班 讲母语
[Laughter] The next time you’reon an airplane in the US, just speak your mother tongue.
那样就没人听得懂你们在说啥 生活也能继续了
That way no one knowswhat you’re saying. Life goes on.
[笑声]确实 讲母语可能让普通美国大众听起来感觉受到了威胁
[Laughter] Granted, some mother tonguesmight sound a little threatening to the average American.
如果你从通道上走下来 说着阿拉伯语 你可能会吓坏他们——
If you’re walkingdown the aisle speaking Arabic, you might freak them out —
[模仿阿拉伯人中]
[Imitating Arabic]
他么可能就会说 “他们在讲啥?”
They might say, “What’s he talking about?”
关键 我阿拉伯的兄弟姐妹们 在于当你走下通道时时不时冒出几个好的单词 来使人们好受点儿
The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters, is to throw in randomgood words to put people at ease as you’re walking down the aisle.
就像走下来的时候——[模仿阿拉伯人中]草莓!
Just as you’re walking down — [Imitating Arabic]Strawberry!
[笑声][模仿阿拉伯人中]
[Laughter][Imitating Arabic]
彩虹!
Rainbow!
[笑声][模仿阿拉伯人中]什锦水果冰激凌!
[Laughter] [Imitating Arabic]Tutti Frutti!
[笑声]“我觉得他可能是想用冰激凌劫机”
[Laughter]”I think he’s going to hijackthe plane with some ice cream.”
谢谢大家 晚安
Thank you very much. Have a good night.
感谢 TED
Thank you, TED.
[欢呼][掌声]
[Cheers][Applause]

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视频概述

中东人在美国人心中的印象是邪恶的危险的,但实际上中东人也喜欢开怀大笑……

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Bingo

审核员

YX

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kxL9Cf46VM

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