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用高度科学的分类方式看待憎恨者

A highly scientific taxonomy of haters | Negin Farsad

我是一名伊朗裔美籍穆斯林女性
I’m an Iranian-American Muslim female,
和大家都一样
like all of you.
我是一位喜剧演员 表演内容关于社会正义的
And I’m also a social justice comedian,
我一直坚信这是份正经工作
something that I insist is an actual job.
让我先讲讲我的经历 再说我的工作内容
To explain what that is, let me tell you how I got here.
我在美国各地都表演过
I’ve performed all over the country.
要我说美国真是个伟大的国家
And let me tell you, America is majestic, right?
对吧?拥有令人叹为观止的风景
It’s got breathtaking nature,
好多的华夫饼店
waffle houses
随处可见的糖尿病患者
and diabetes as far as the eye can see.
这真了不起现在
It is really something.
美国人口
Now, the American population can be broken up
大致可以分成三类:
into three main categories:
生活美满的大多数人
there’s mostly wonderful people,
心怀恨意的一部分人
haters
还有弗罗里达人
and Florida.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
除去佛罗里达 最麻烦的就是那些心怀恨意的人
Besides Florida, the most troubling category here are the Haters.
他们是少数族群
They are a minority,
但是“矫枉过正”使他们变得过度引人注目
but they overcompensate by being extra loud.
他们就是 “矮个子症候群”(拿破仑情结)是的
They have the Napoleon complex of demographics,
那些男人中的确有些会穿内增高
and yes, some of the men do wear heels.
作为一个专注于社会正义的喜剧演员
As a social justice comedian,
我的目标是改变这些心怀恨意的人
it’s my goal to convert these haters,
因为他们憎恨的事太多 由此造成一些不良后果
because they hate a lot of things, which leads to negative outcomes,
像是种族歧视 暴力和Ted Nugent(重金属摇滚明星)
like racism, violence and Ted Nugent.
这里没有列全
This is not an exhaustive list;
我也许落下了3到7个
I’m probably missing 3-7 items.
但我要说的是
But the point is,
这些怀恨者不可小觑
we have to reckon with the haters.
但是怀恨者中也分好几类
But there’s variance within this group
调查他们所有人也太没效率了
and it’s not efficient to go after all of them, right?
对吧?于是 我创造了一个非常科学的怀恨者分类法
So what I’ve done is created a highly scientific Taxonomy of Haters.
基本上就是 我把所有的怀恨者
I basically took all of the haters,
放在一个培养皿里 像科学家一样
I put them in a petri dish, like a scientist,
然后这就是我的发现
and this is what I found.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
第一类是洞穴巨人
First off, we have the trolls.
这一类非常普遍 就是讨厌数字化的一群人
These are your garden-variety digital haters.
他们就是那种辞掉工作
They’re the people who quit their jobs
然后整天在Youtube上发视频的人
so they can post on YouTube videos all day long.
还有一类是路怒症患者
There’s also the drive-by haters.
这些人看到红灯停下
Now, these people will be at a stoplight,
等着绿灯
they’ll wait for the light to turn green
绿灯一亮 他们就大叫“ 哪来的滚回哪去!”
and when it does, they yell, “Go back to your own country!”
想想当时 他们完全可以下车
Now back in the day, they would’ve actually gotten out of their cars
当着你的面大骂一场
and hated you to your face.
但他们只不过是把自己真实的一面藏起来—
But they just don’t make them like they used to —
这也是美国正在衰落的
which is another sign of the decline in America.
另一个迹象(笑声)
(Laughter)
下一类怀恨者
The next category
是偏执狂、总是要去完成某种任务、
is the mission-oriented-bigot- whose-group-affiliation-
有个组织罩着他们
gives-them-cover-for-hating hater.
这些人一般都有个表面看起来很无害的组织
These guys like to hate via a seemingly nice organization,
像是教堂或是非盈利组织
like a church or a nonprofit,
他们时不时就用老气横秋的声调说话
and they oftentimes like to speak in an old-timey voice.
但我最感兴趣的一类是纠结的怀恨者
But the group I’m most interested in is the swing hater.
纠结的怀恨者和纠结的投票者是亲姐妹—
The swing hater is sister to the swing voter —
他们就是没法赶紧做决定!
they just can’t decide!
他们就像是思想中的绿茶婊
They’re like ideological sluts
一会儿恨
who move from hating to not hating.
一会不恨他们这样做是因为没有足够多的信息
And they do it because they don’t have enough information.
这一类人便是我用社会正义喜剧攻击的目标
This is the group I like to target with social justice comedy.
为什么是喜剧?
Why comedy?
因为要将喜剧和宣传手册放在一起的话
Because on a scale of comedy to brochure,
一般美国人都更乐意看喜剧
the average American prefers comedy, as you can see from this graph.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
喜剧非常受欢迎
Comedy is very popular.
顺便提一下
And by the way,
这是一个非常准确的图表
this is a mathematically accurate graph,
虽然里面的数字都是假的
generated from fake numbers.
(笑声)现在
(Laughter)
问题就是:
Now, the question is:
为什么社会正义喜剧特别管用?
Why does social justice comedy work?
因为 首先 它让你哈哈大笑
Because, first off, it makes you laugh.
当你哈哈大笑的时候 你就完全放开了
And when you’re laughing, you enter into a state of openness.
于是在那一刻
And in that moment of openness,
一位优秀的社会正义喜剧演员就可以趁机插入一堆信息
a good social justice comedian can stick in a whole bunch of information,
如果他们技巧娴熟
and if they’re really skilled,
那就像是直肠检查一样
a rectal exam.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
这是一些社会正义喜剧的基本原则:
Here are some ground rules for social justice comedy:
首先
first off, it’s not partisan.
没有偏见这可不是政治喜剧
This isn’t political comedy, this is about justice,
这关乎正义大家都想要正义第二
and no one is against justice.
它非常有吸引力并且十分温暖
Two, it’s inviting and warm,
就感觉像是裹在卷饼里一样第三
it makes you feel like you’re sitting inside of a burrito.
它很有趣 但是得偷偷摸摸的
Three, it’s funny but sneaky,
比如你正津津有味得听一个
like you could be hearing an interesting treatise
关于收入不均的论述
on income inequality,
但是结果却是个烂笑话
that’s encased in a really sophisticated poop joke.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
下面是我眼中的社会正义喜剧几年前
Here’s how I see social justice comedy working.
我召集了几个美籍穆斯林喜剧演员-
A few years ago, I rounded up a bunch of Muslim-American comedians —
用一种非暴力的手段-
in a non-violent way —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我们在美国转了一圈
And we went around the country
去了阿拉巴马 亚利桑那 田纳西 乔治亚
to places like Alabama, Arizona, Tennessee, Georgia —
—一些他们爱的死去活来的地方
places where they love the Muzzies —
—我们表演单人脱口秀
and we did stand-up shows.
我们把这次旅行叫做”穆斯林来了!”
We called the tour “The Muslims Are Coming!”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我们把这次旅行拍成了电影
We turned this into a movie,
电影放映后
and then after the movie came out,
一个有名的怀恨者团体花了30万美元
a known hate group spent 300,000 dollars
用于反穆斯林宣传海报
on an anti-Muslim poster campaign
还和MTA合作——就是纽约市地铁系统
with the MTA — that’s the New York City subway system.
当时那些海报可真是冒犯了不少人
Now, the posters were truly offensive,
更别提它糟糕的设计了-我是说
not to mentioned poorly designed —
如果你想表现得有偏见
I mean, if you’re going to be bigoted,
你也得挑个好看点的字体吧!
you might as well use a better font.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
然后我们就想
But we decided, why not launch our own poster campaign
要不我们也发起一项把夸赞穆斯林的海报宣传
that says nice things about Muslims,
趁着宣传我们的电影的时候
while promoting the movie.
于是我和我的小伙伴Dean Obeidallah
So myself and fellow comedian Dean Obeidallah
决定发起一个 “非常欢快得打击偏执狂”
decided to launch the fighting-bigotry- with-delightful-posters campaign.
宣传海报我们筹到了钱 和MTA一起商讨了五个月
We raised the money, worked with the MTA for over 5 months,
然后海报就通过了
got the posters approved,
本来要把海报张贴出来的
and two days after they were supposed to go up,
但是两天后MTA又决定不贴了
the MTA decided to ban the posters,
涉及政治内容
citing political content.
来看看我们这些海报看
Let’s take a look at a couple of those posters.
这个
Here’s one.
关于穆斯林的事实:
Facts about Muslims:
是穆斯林人创造了医院的概念好的
Muslims invented the concept of a hospital.
事实:
OK.
穆斯林成年人与穆斯林宝宝相比能做更多仰卧起坐
Fact: Grown-up Muslims can do more push-ups than baby Muslims.
(笑声)事实:
(Laughter)
穆斯林创造了了Justin Timberlake(著名歌手+演员)
Fact: Muslims invented Justin Timberlake.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
还有另一张
Let’s take a look at another one.
穆斯林的丑恶一面:
The ugly truth about Muslims:
他们有极佳的煎蛋饼食谱很显然
they have great frittata recipes.
煎蛋饼被MTA认作为了政治因素
Now clearly, frittatas are considered political by the MTA.
要不是蛋饼 要不就是仅仅提到了穆斯林的好处
Either that, or the mere mention of Muslims in a positive light
就被扣上了政治的帽子-但不是这样的
was considered political — but it isn’t.
这是关于正义的
It’s about justice.
所以我们决定改变
So we decided to change
我们的“非常欢快得打击偏执狂-海报法”运动
our fighting-bigortry- with-delightful-posters campaign
把它变为“非常欢快得打击偏执狂-诉讼法”运动
and turn it into the fighting-bigotry- with-a-delightful-lawsuit campaign.
(笑声)所以
(Laughter)
基本上 我想说的就是几个在行业内混不下去的喜剧演员
So basically, what I’m saying is a couple of dirt-bag comedians
与纽约城中的一个主要机构进行较量
took on a major New York City agency
然后喜剧演员们获得了胜利
and the comedians won.
(掌声和欢呼)
(Applause and cheers)
谢谢
Thank you.
胜利感是一种古怪的情感
Victory was a very weird feeling.
然后我就想 “这是不是就是金发美女们一直以来的内心感觉?
I was like, “Is this what blonde girls feel like all the time?
因为实在是太神奇了!”
‘Cause this is amazing!”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我再举一个例子
Here’s another example.
无论我走到哪儿 都会被问:“为什么穆斯林不谴责恐怖主义?”
I’m asked everywhere I go: “Why don’t Muslims denounce terrorism?”
我们是谴责的 但是 既然如此 我决定将错就错
We do. But OK, I’ll take the bait.
所以我就决定发起一个网站thedailydenouncer.com(每日谴责人)
So I decided to launch thedailydenouncer.com.
这个网站在每周的每个工作日里都会谴责恐怖主义
It’s a website that denounces terrorism every day of the week,
当然周末是休息的
while taking the weekends off.
让我们看一个例子
Let’s take a look at an example.
他们通常会以单片式动画形式呈现
They generally appear as single-panel cartoons,
“我要谴责恐怖主义!同时我也谴责那些从来不把纸盘子装满的人!”
“I denounce terrorism! I also denounce people who never fill the paper tray!”
这个网站的目的性 就是
The point of the website is that it denounces terrorism
让我们在反复谴责恐怖主义的过程中
while recognizing that it’s ridiculous
意识到这是一件多么荒谬的事情
that we have to constantly denounce terrorism.
但如果你的问题不在于偏执
But if bigotry isn’t your thing,
社会正义喜剧对各种问题都是有益的
social justice comedy is useful for all sorts of issues.
举个例子 我和我的喜剧同事Lee
For example, myself and fellow comedian Lee Camp
Camp一起前往开曼群岛(拉丁美洲)去调查那儿的离岸金融目前
went to the Cayman Islands to investigate offshore banking.
美国每年将在那些离岸避税天堂
Now, the United States loses something like 300 billion dollars a year
损失近300亿美元
in these offshore tax havens.
一点儿都不夸张的讲
Not to brag,
但是在每个月的月底
but at the end of every month,
我就会获得大概5-15美元的可支配收入
I have something like 5-15 dollars in disposable income.
所以我们就进入那些在开曼群岛上的银行
So we walked into these banks in the Cayman Islands
询问我们是否能凭借8美元27分
and asked if we could open up a bank account
开设一个银行账户
with eight dollars and 27 cents.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
银行经理大概会忍我们30-45秒 然后就要喊安保人员了
The bank managers would indulge us for 30-45 seconds before calling security.
安保人员冲进来 挥舞他们的武器
Security would come out, brandish their weapons,
然后我们就会因为恐惧而惊声尖叫
and then we would squeal with fear and run away,
逃离因为-这是社会正义喜剧的最后一条原则-
because — and this is the last rule of social justice comedy —
又是把你吓得失禁
sometimes it makes you want to take a dump in your pants.
我们的大部分工作是搞笑的
Most of my work is meant to be fun.
我们需要制造一种联系和笑声但是
It’s meant to generate a connection and laughter.
确实 有时我也会被保安人员扑倒在地
But yes, sometimes I get run off the grounds by security.
有时我收到刻薄的推文
Sometimes I get mean tweets and hate mail.
恐吓信件有时我会收到语音信件 说如果我继续讲笑话
Sometimes I get voice mails saying that if I continue telling my jokes,
他们就要杀了我他们还要干掉我的家人
they’ll kill me and they’ll kill my family.
那些死亡要挟一点儿都不好笑
And those death threats are definitely not funny.
但是除了这些偶尔的危险
But despite the occasional danger,
我仍然坚信社会正义喜剧是我们最有力的武器之一
I still think that social justice comedy is one of our best weapons.
我的意思是 我们尝试过各种方式追求社会正义
I mean, we’ve tried a lot of approaches to social justice,
像是战争或是竞技冰上舞蹈但是
like war and competitive ice dancing.
还有很多事情十分糟糕
But still, a lot of things are still kind of awful.
所以我认为 是时候让我们
So I think it’s time we try and tell a really good poop joke.
尝试讲述那些极佳的烂笑话了谢谢
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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