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大家好 欢迎收看《来吧! 心理学》
Have your parents ever told you something
that to this day still hurts every time you think about it?
Though we might not always be aware of it,
our words hold so much more power than we realize.
This is even more important in familial relationships.
Studies of child psychology have shown that
the way our parents talk to us
becomes the way we learn to talk to ourselves.
So the way parents talk to their children
could have serious repercussions
on their self concept, self esteem,
and emotional attachment to others even as adults.
With that said,
here are eight of the most damaging things
a parent can say to their child.
Number one, “What’s the matter with you?”
If your child’s personality often clashes with yours,
it can be difficult to be around them so much,
let alone to parent them.
But no matter how frustrated we might get,
it’s important to always keep our temper in check
and stop ourselves from letting our anger get the best of us.
Asking your child what’s the matter with them
just because they don’t share the same interests as you
or act the way you think they should
is only going to hurt their self esteem
and make them question their own sense of self worth.
Number two, “I don’t have time for you right now.”
We all know that taking care of a child
is no easy task,
even with a co parent around.
And having to balance a full time job
along with it can be overwhelming.
So it’s important that you keep your priorities in check
when making compromises
between your work life and your family life.
And if you really have to choose the former
over the latter sometimes,
don’t just simply tell your child
that you don’t have time for them
or that you can’t deal with them right now.
Explain it to them in a way that won’t hurt their feelings
and make it up to them some other time or way.
Otherwise they’ll start to feel lonely and neglected.
Number three, “I wish you were more like this.”
Just as we should refrain from comparing ourselves to others,
parents should never compare their children
with their siblings or classmates.
Not only does this breed insecurity, rivalry, and jealousy,
it also makes them feel like they’re not good enough for you
and that the love you have for them needs to be earned.
For example, saying,
“Why can’t you be more like your straight A friend?”
makes them feel like you care more about their grades
than you do about them,
which brings us to our next point.
Number four, “You’re a disappointment to me.”
If you want your child to grow up as a person
and bring you along for the journey,
then you need to be able to
make them feel safe enough to make their own mistakes
and learn from them.
Do not just attack them for falling short sometimes by saying,
“You are such a disappointment to me.”
But rather encourage them to try again
by reassuring them
that it’s okay to fail sometimes
and that you’ll always be there for them no matter what.
Number five, “Why didn’t you…?”
Similar to the last point,
asking your child why they didn’t get into this certain college,
score higher on the SATs,
make the starting team,
or win a competition
only serves to make them feel worse about themselves,
especially when they tried really hard to please you.
It can ruin their self esteem
and turn them into neurotic perfectionists,
always beating themselves up over every, little mistake,
just because your words
made them feel like nothing
they do can ever be good enough for you.
Number six, “Because I said so.”
Studies show that having an authoritarian parenting style,
that is being extremely strict, controlling,
and expecting children to follow the rules you’ve set
with no discussion or compromise whatsoever,
can have many negative effects on a child.
Some children develop poor self esteem
and become socially inept, withdrawn, and dependent,
变得不善社交 孤僻 无法独立
while others become more aggressive,
defiant, reckless, and deceptive.
目中无人 鲁莽 谎话连篇
Either way, simply demanding that your child
should submit to your will just because you told them so
and that you are the parent here
will foster a lot of resentment
and conflict in your relationship with them.
Number seven, “What are people going to say?”
Did your child come up to you
as part of the LGBTQ + community
or get called in the principal’s office for getting into a fight?
Do they have a lot of failing grades
or have trouble making friends?
If you didn’t already know,
it must have been difficult for them to tell you
because they were afraid of how you’d react.
But asking, “What are people going to think?”
Or, “What does that say about me as a parent?”
makes them feel like all you care about is the opinion of others
and that you see them as an embarrassment to the family.
And number eight, “I’m leaving and never coming back.”
第八 “我要离开 并且永远都不会回来了”
Last, but definitely not least.
In the heat of the moment,
you might be tempted to spew threats of
running away and never coming back
once you start to feel that your child is becoming very ungrateful
for all the things that you do for them.
But it’s better to bite back your tongue
and swallow your temper
than to say something that will hurt them for years to come.
After all, even if we might not realize it at the time,
threats like these are done with the intention of hurting your child
and scaring them into listening to you or doing, as you say.
And emotional blackmail like this
can make their attachment towards you
and others as they grow up
unstable and insecure.
So do you relate to any of the things mentioned here?
Are you a parent
trying to learn what to avoid when raising your child
or still trying to heal from the hurtful words of a parent?
Even if you’re neither,
it’s still important for us
to be more considerate of how we treat others
and the effect our words could have on them.
As the saying goes,
“Be careful with your words.
Once said they can only be forgiven,
but never forgotten.”
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