我们平常可能没有意识到 但是
We don’t always realize it but it is
人们通常是在瞬间决定是喜欢我们
often in very small moments that people decide whether
还是不喜欢
they like us or whether they don’t
在这个视频里
and that is why in this video, I
我将给你六条
want to give you 6 things that you can
能让别人立刻喜欢你的建议
use to make people like you immediately.
从第一条开始 一个特定类型的赞美
Starting with the first one, a very specific type of compliment
你不应只赞美对方所拥有的
because you’re not going to compliment people on what they have,
而应该赞美他们通过努力而得到的东西
you’re going to compliment people on what they’ve earned and worked for.
关于赞美真实感受 是的 当别人赞美我们时
The truth about compliments is, yes, it feels amazing
那感觉超棒 我们喜欢那样
when people compliment us; of course, we like that.
但是当谈到赞美
But when it comes to compliments,
结果常常却是
it often turns out to be
人们一直听着一遍又一遍的话
that people are hearing the same ones over and over.
例如 他们或许有双好看的眼睛
For instance, maybe they have really nice
或者有着敏锐的时尚格调
eyes or they have a good sense of
当他们开始听到
style and when they start to hear that
一遍又一遍的赞美时
over and over,
那些对于他们来说就不那么有意义了
it can become something that doesn’t mean much to them.
如果你是那个
If you can be the person
发现他们一直努力
that finds out what they are working on
并注意到他们还一直在努力争取的人
and notices that while they’re still working and struggling
然后再向他们赞美那些 这就会很打动人心
and then compliments them on that, it will hit them so hard.
事实上
And I actually,
我第一次注意到了这个问题是因为
first noticed this because there was a day where I got
有一天我被赞美了两次
two compliments in the same day — it
那真的是很美好的一天 第一条赞美
was a good day — and one of them,
是赞美了我的笑容 然后我很感激地说了“谢谢”
the first one was on my smile and I appreciated that and said,”Thank you.”
但是我从小就笑得很好看
But I’ve had the same smile
之前就一直受到赞美
since I was a kid and I’ve received compliments on it before;
我感谢它 的确让我感觉还不错
I appreciate that and it makes me feel good
但是这并不是我努力得到的
but it’s not something I’ve earned.
后来 我不记得
Later that day, I don’t know
是在我唱歌时还是做什么时 有个人说
if I was singing or what but somebody said
他们认为我有一副唱歌的好嗓子
that they thought that I had a good singing voice and
但事实是 我不是一个
the truth is — I’m not an
很会唱歌的人 但是我真的很努力很努力
amazing singer but I have worked very, very hard
去改善我的嗓音
on improving my voice and that
那个赞美让我非常喜欢那个人
compliment made me like that person so much
因为他们注意到了我所为之努力的东西
because they were noticing something that I was struggling with which,
在这里厚颜提一下
a shameless plug right here,
如果你想听的话可以在Instagram@CharlieHoupert
if you want to listen @ CharlieHoupert on Instagram.
除了在Instagram关注我
But the point here besides following me
来听我唱的歌之外
on Instagram to listen to me sing
更重要的是你能否成为这样一个人
is that if you can be the person that notices
比如 你有一个朋友
that — for instance, you’ve got a friend
他们正要开始减肥 然后你说：“你知道吗？
and they are just starting a diet routine and you say,”You know what? I notice
我注意到你其实变瘦了哎 好像瘦了好几斤
you’re actually looking thinner like it seems like you’ve lost some pounds.
干的不错”
You’re doing a great job,
或者你在办公室看到一个努力工作的同事
” or you’ve got someone in your office that is working hard
或者在学校你看到一个学生
and perhaps you’re at a school and a student
用课外时间学习
that you see putting in extra time
这时你就可以告诉他们你很欣赏
and you can let them know that you appreciate
他们努力的态度 这也将震撼他们
that work ethic, that’s going to hit them
因为这是他们努力所得来的
because that’s what they’re struggling
这是他们真正需要的认可
with and that’s where they would really appreciate
当然 他们也会感激你的
recognition and of course, they’re going to appreciate you for that.
第二条就是
The second thing here is going to be
谈一谈他们喜欢的东西 现在
to get people talking about what they love. Now,
当然这是一条老法子
of course this is an old
但是你怎样引入呢？
standard but how do you get here?
可以由两个大问题来引入 首先
There’s two main questions — first off,
问你觉得那个怎么样？
how do you like that?
然后再问 你具体是喜欢那样东西什么地方
And what is it specifically that you love or like about that thing?
早先的谈话
So early in conversation,
人们通常会问你是做什么的
people will often ask what do you do,
你最近去了哪或者是否看了什么好电影
where have you been lately or if you’ve seen any good movies.
这些问题 不管聊的话题是什么
With all of these questions, no matter what topic you’re on,
你可以先问：“你觉得它怎么样？”
if you can go,”How did you like it?”
然后如果他们没有说它很糟糕的话
and then if they don’t say that it’s awesome,
你就可以假定他们喜欢 并继续说道：“真的么？
you can move on but assuming they do, say,”Oh, really?
告诉我 你喜欢它什么？喜欢哪些地方”
Tell me, what did you like about it? What did you love about it?”
如果你这么做了 然后深入探讨
If you can do that and drive down
他们就会和你分享他们所喜爱的事物
deeper and they share with you what they love,
他们也会把你和那种奇妙的感觉联系在一起
they’re going to associate you with that amazing feeling.
我曾经亲身体验
And I’ve seen this happen to me;
你让我谈到了漫画
you get me talking about comic books —
当谈到复仇者联盟时
The Avengers just came out and I share
我就忍不住向你分享我所知道的
what to you what I know about that,
我真的很享受和你的这次谈话
I’m going to really enjoy my conversation
最后结果我就会喜欢上你
with you and I’m going to like you as a result.
所以确保你一定要这么做
So make sure that you’re doing that.
这的确是个有机互动的好方法
This is a really good way to engage in active listening,
你注意到
you’re paying attention
他们喜欢的事并且建立了对话 这会让你
for things that they like and to have a conversation that allows you
在他们所关心希望的事物上和
to ping-pong on something that they care about and hopefully
你也关心的事物上产生互动
that you care about as well.
第三 这个有点反常识
The third thing is a bit counterintuitive here.
去分享一个有损你利益的事实
It’s going to be to share a truth that is to your detriment.
其实我第一次遇见这种情况
And I actually first came across this
完全出于偶然 因为当时
by accident because what’s happening is
我们有许多
we have a lot
学生在观看我们频道 我对此很开心
of students who watch our channel which I’m very happy with
然后我们又办了个600美元的线上课程 所以
and we also have an online course that is $600 so
我经常会收到这些学生的来信 主要说“嘿
I was getting emails from these students basically saying, “Hey.
我真的很想上卡里斯玛大学 但我的情况
I would really like to join Charisma University but my situation is such that
是这样的我经济能力不足
my finances are not there yet,
我真的拿不出租金 还几乎付不起
I’m really tight on rent, I barely afforded books
这学期的书本费 我只想知道
this semester and I just wanted to know
你是否认为这个关系很重要？
if you think that relationships are important?
我应该现在买这门课吗？”
Should I buy this right now?”
然后我一般会这样回复
and I would typically write back,
“你知道吗？我的确觉得这个关系很重要
“You know what? I do think relationships are important
但我认为支付房租
but I think paying your rent
并确保
and making sure
你能买得起这学期的书本比那些更重要
that you’re able to afford books this semester is more
至少现在对你来说
important than that for you at least right now
在你生命中此刻来说 所以
at this point in your life so
尽管我十分希望你回来
while I do hope that you come back,
但我认为现在那样做于你而言不可取”
I don’t think that this is right for you right now.”
通常来讲 那样回复会有损销量
And oftentimes, that would lose the sale.
我回复的那些人真的没有一个去买
This is not someone I just where told them
他们不会出现说：“哈哈！逗你玩呢 不管怎样我都要买”
not to buy and they’re not going to turn out and say,”Haha! Tricked ya. I’m going to do this anyway.”
但是我会收到这样的回复：“我很感谢你的建议
But I would receive an email back that said,”I appreciate that so much. I really do
我真的想回来 但你的建议让我明白
want to come back but this just lets me know
你对你的频道订阅者很诚实
that you’re being honest on your channel
在你和我们分享这些想法
when you’re sharing these ideas
这些原则 以及这些心态时
and these principles and these mindsets with us
也因为你坚持这样
because you’re forcing this down my throat
我会努力去赚更多钱”
in an attempt to make more money.”
如果你能那样做 你能把
If you can do that — if you can be honest
你所想的诚实地告诉别人
with people about what you think is
从他们的最大利益出发 甚至
in their best interest even when it isn’t
你不因此受益 因为你可能不得不
in yours — because you might have to leave
放弃你的利益
money on the table
如果你是站在销售者的立场这么做
if you’re in a sales position when you do this —
如果你真的这么做就意味着
if you do that and you put honesty
你把诚实作为你的最高准则 在那之下
as your highest principle and beneath that is
你将总是能获得你想要的一切
getting everything that you want all the time,
因为人们会注意到它
people will notice it,
他们会因此感谢你 喜欢你
they will appreciate it and they will like you
而这将引出第四点技巧
for it which brings to the fourth thing.
第四点可能比其他三点见效更快
This one is perhaps even more immediate than all
那就是开放的肢体语言
of the others and that is open body language.
所以你的肢体语言是
So your body language is the
人们见到你关注的第一件事
first thing that people see about you
但不幸的是
and unfortunately, it is
在我们最需要开放的肢体语言的情况下
in the moments where we most need open body language that
我们往往会放不开 我想
we tend to close it down and I’m thinking
在约会和面试中我们就会很紧张
of dates and interviews when we’re nervous.
你去约会或见喜欢的人时
You go on a date or you see someone you
你双手插袋
like and hands go right to your pockets
或者他们这样做 那是种
or they go like this and it’s that protective
防御性行为 你不想被看见
reaction — you don’t want to be seen or
或者不想被拒绝
you don’t want to get rejected.
如果你能强迫自己
If you can force yourself
在这些情况下将你的手拿出口袋
in these moments to put your hands out of the pockets
或者不要双手交叉
or uncrossed, the person
对方在潜意识中就会明白
that you’re talking to is going to know on a subconscious level
或者至少感受到你没那么处于防御状态
or at least feel that you are not so much of a physical threat.
我们天生如此：
This is hardwired in us;
我们会确认这个人是否带有武器
we’re checking if this person has a weapon, is this person
这个人是否会伤害我 或者想“他们坐立不安是想做什么？”
trying to hurt me or,”What is going on that they’re fidgeting with?”
如果你向他们
If you show them
展示没有任何威胁 仅仅是相互交流
that there’s nothing just the way that you communicate,
那将会使他们
that’s gon na put them
更放松 也会使得他们更喜欢你
at ease and it’s going to make them like you much more.
第五点 其实是从我的一个朋友那来的
The fifth one which actually comes from a friend
他前两天晚上还在这儿呢
of mine and he was here the other night.
他是个漫画家
He is a cartoonist.
他不停地工作 他每完成一个画格
He works and works; he created every vowel
Zappos就会买下他的
and Zappos just purchased big murals
漫画的大壁画 然后他再把他们挂起来
of his cartoons and he went to go hang them up.
在此之前
And before he did,
他们有个交易 他得到这份工作也有报酬
he got this job and he had the payment and they were in exchange;
这本是桩公平的交易 但他说：“我还想做些其他事”
there’s gonna be a fair business exchange and he said,”I want to do something else,”
这就是第五点——未经允许做一些超出他们期望的事
and this is the fifth point — exceed expectations without asking permission.
所以他说：“我想为他们做些其他事 我还能做什么？”
So he said,”I want to do something else for them. What can I do?”
我们思索了好一会儿才想出“要不然用鞋子创意
We brainstorm for awhile and we came up with,”What if you took shoes”
因为对方是Zappos 你把你的漫画
because they’re Zappos” and you put your cartoons
画在鞋上 然后交给他们的执行团队？”
on them and you gave them to the executive team?”
然后他这么做了
and that’s what he did.
如今他走进工作室 挂上大壁画
Today he went in, he hung the mural,
那时的这些鞋给了他一个大惊喜
and then he had a surprise of these shoes.
壁画深受好评 但这
And the mural was well-received but it was
远超过了他的职责范围
in going above and beyond what he agreed to
在他没告诉Zappos的情况下
do without telling them he was going to
做了件影响不小的事
do it that really made an impact.
之后执行团队走了 他们带他
They went out afterwards, they took him
去了酒吧 并且都穿上了
to a bar, they all put on
特别设计的鞋子 十分兴奋
their shoes, and were really excited.
事实就是当人们做交易交换时
And the truth is that when people are trading and exchanging
他们会有一个内心预期
and they have an expectation then okay,
什么是可以了 真不错
that’s fine and really nice
但当你所做的
but when you go above and
超出预期而且他们还未察觉到时
beyond that and they’re not aware that it’s happening,
你就做出了最大的影响
that’s where the biggest impact is made.
所以举个例子 你有一个小组项目
So for instance, you have a group project.
你坐在一个房间里 然后你饿了
You’re sitting in a room, you’re hungry,
准备出去
and you go out to pick
找些吃的 但你无意中知道
up some food but you happen to know
你的拍档可能喜欢的菜
perhaps the meal that your partner likes and
你就带回去给他们
you just pick it up and bring it back for them,
天哪 他们肯定就会留下深刻印象
holy cow, will that make an impression on them
尤其是如果你足够了解
especially if you get to know the people
你身边的人
in your life well enough
他们基本的喜恶
that you know their basic likes and dislikes and
或者如果你不确定别人的喜好而正好要去
if you’re not sure and you’re just going to
饮料贩卖机 每个人都会喝水啊
the vending machine, everybody will drink water,
当然你也可以问他们
you can of course ask people,
“你们想要我带什么吗？” 这很显礼貌而且人们也会很感谢
“What would you like me to get you?” and that is polite and people appreciate
你的彬彬有礼 体贴周到
when people are polite and thoughtful
但你在他们不知情的情况下
but it’s really when you do it without
这样做的时候 他们可能就会被激怒
them knowing that they get their minds blown.
所以要明白 尤其是如果你能
So see if you can do that especially
对身边那些了解他们的喜恶的人
with the people in your life where you already have a good sense of
做到这样
their likes and dislikes.
下次如果你去杂货店
If you can just be running when you’re
多走几步路吧
at the grocery store next time,
帮他们带些你知道的
pick them up something that you know
他们可能需要的东西
that they might have been hankering for
而此时他们又不知道
that they don’t have at the moment;
那样他们会对你有好感
that will go a long way.
那么最后一点就是
So the last one is going to be
做第一个开玩笑的人
— to be the first person to joke.
这就是第六点 也是
This is number six and it’s one
我经常忘记的一点
that I often times can let go of.
当我工作了一整天
If I’m in my room and I’m
回到房间时 我就会
working all day, I can get into a
一句话不说 事实上
very literal mode and in fact,
人生中我们总有很多时候
there’s lots of times in our life where we feel
感到自己必须庄严沉郁
like we have to be solemn and somber.
我C.U上有一个学生
There was a student in the C.U.
在脸书上给我们发消息 他谈到
message boards on Facebook and he was talking about
一个特别重要的报告
how there was this big presentation;
大约有20位老师 教授 教员
it was like 20 teachers and professors and faculty —
我不记得具体的
I don’t know the exact
情节——但一定是令人害怕极了
scenario — but it was a daunting scenario
其实他原打算写一些严肃的反馈报告
and he was actually going to give some critical feedback to them.
但是因为一件事 我想应该是
But one of the things that he did and I think
小组的建议
at the suggestion of the group
就是在正式报告前开个玩笑
was to crack a joke early.
那样做了后——他
And by doing that — he
开了个玩笑——打破了严肃紧张
cracked the joke — he cut the tension
场合里的氛围 人们开怀大笑
in this really serious situation, he got people to laugh,
他说他发现
and he said that he found that
人们因此更加乐于接受
people were much more receptive to some
他更严肃的时刻
of his more critical moments
就是因为他一开始与人们建立了互动
because he had that human interaction with him first.
此道理随处可见
I see this everywhere.
我前些天正和
I was just taking a walk
兄弟散着步
the other day with my brother
他溜着他的骑士查理王小猎犬
and he’s got this little King Charles Cavalier and oftentimes,
我站在一旁
I can be out there
人们问我“这狗什么品种啊？” 我说是骑士查理王
taking a walk and people ask me,”What kind of dog?” and I say it’s a King Charles Cavalier,
它三岁了 名字叫奥利
he’s three years old, his name is Ollie…
总是如此
and it’s a very routine interaction.
前些天
The other day,
他出门遛狗 如我所料又有人开始问
he was out walking him and somebody started and I knew what
但他们开口想要问前 他突然大喊“攻击！”
they were gonna say and before they did, he said,”Attack!”
狗就立马跑开了 它还太小
and the dog ran up and he’s a little guys
所以它伤害不了谁
so he’s not gon na hurt anybody
但是人们哈哈大笑 然后习以为常
but everyone laughed and then it set a tone;
这是个很小的例子
it was a very short interaction
但它点亮了众人的生活 也使我意识到
but it brightened everybody’s day and it made me realize something
我知道 我必须
that I know and I have
提醒人们的是：人们
to be reminded of is that people are humans
如果不是身为文明社会成员
before they are polite members
或者老师或者服务员
of society or teachers or food servers
他们几乎总是喜欢幽默和笑声的
and they almost always — there’s perhaps outside
可能要把像葬礼上的场景排除在外
of like a funeral setting — appreciate humor and laughter.
所以一旦你是第一个开玩笑调节气氛的人
So if you could be the first one to joke,
人们绝对会喜欢你
it will absolutely make people like you.
以上就是六点技巧
So those are six things
你可以把它们用在你的人际交往中
that you can use throughout your interactions
当然你可能想要知道背后的理论
but you might want something a little bit more structured
是因为有四种情绪
and that’s why actually there are four
而这六种技巧是基于
emotions and these six things are hitting on
这四种情绪的不同成分提出的
different elements of each of these four but
如果你能正确
if you hit these four emotions and
表达这些情绪
you hit them in order,
不管你是和几乎跨文化的任何人交谈
you will guarantee an amazing first impression
你肯定会留下极好的第一印象
on whoever you are talking to pretty much cross-culturally.
我们已经录制了
We’ve actually set up a
一个关于这四种情绪的视频
video that talks about what those four emotions are
如果你想了解
and if you want to see that,
点击简介里的链接
go ahead click the link in the description or
或者上方链接即可
somewhere around here and you will be taken to a page.
行动起来 发送邮件
Go ahead and drop your email
你就能现在观看视频
and you can watch that video right now
从今天开始使用四种情绪策略
and start using those four emotions today so I hope
希望你们喜欢这个视频
that you’ve enjoyed this video. Also,
明天太平洋时间上午11点整 我们将在
tomorrow 11:00 a.m. Pacific time, on our Facebook page,
脸书首页进行一场现场问答
we are going to have a Facebook live Q & A;
你可以谈这个话题或者
it can be about this topic or
其他话题 上周问答特别有趣
any other we did it last week and it was super fun;
我很开心
I had a great time.
所以如果你想要参与的话
So if you want to join,
可以关注我们的Charisma on Command Instagram
you can either follow us on our Charisma on Command Instagram
或者我们的脸书又或者Instagram上我唱歌的账号@CharlieHoupert
or our Facebook or @CharlieHoupert on Instagram where I sing
你可以在以上地方提问
and that is gonna be where you can ask questions.
所以希望你能喜欢这个视频
So I hope that you enjoyed this video
期待下次见啦
and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.