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10条建议帮你获得交流新体验

10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee

我想让大家举手示意一下:
All right, I want to see a show of hands:
你们有多少人曾在Facebook上拉黑过某人?
how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook?
就因为他们在政治 宗教 儿童保育以及食物方面表达过一些不当言论?
because they said something offensiveabout politics or religion,childcare, food?
又有多少人知道 你避而不见的人当中 至少有一个
And how many of youknow at least one person that you avoid
仅仅是因为你不愿搭理他们?
because you just don’t wantto talk to them?
大家都知道 过去 为了进行一场礼貌的会谈
You know, it used to be that in orderto have a polite conversation,
我们只要听从亨利·希金斯在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告:
we just had to follow the adviceof Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”:
时刻记住 天气和身体健康是永远通用的话题
Stick to the weather and your health.
但是近来 随着气候的变化和反接种疫苗思想的传播 这些话题…… 也不再安全
But these days, with climate changeand anti-vaccine, those subjects — are not safe either.
所以 在我们生活的这个世界
So this world that we live in,
每次对话 都有可能转变成争吵
this world in which every conversation has the potentialto devolve into an argument,
政客们不能彼此交流
where our politicianscan’t speak to one another
甚至最琐碎的问题
and where even the most trivial of issues
都有人强烈地去支持或反对 这不正常
have someone fighting both passionatelyfor it and against it, it’s not normal.
皮尤研究 在10000名美国人中做了一个调查
Pew Research did a studyof 10,000 American adults,
他们发现 当今社会 我们分化的更严重
and they found that at this moment,we are more polarized,
我们变得更多元化 而这在历史上绝无仅有
we are more divided, than we ever have been in history.
我们更不愿意去妥协
We’re less likely to compromise,
这就意味着 我们将不会去倾听彼此的观点
which means we’renot listening to each other.
我们在做出要住在哪里
And we make decisions about where to live,
和谁结婚 甚至我们的朋友将是什么样子的决定时
who to marry and evenwho our friends are going to be,
都是以我们已经相信的东西为依据
based on what we already believe.
同样地 这意味着我们将不再倾听彼此
Again, that meanswe’re not listening to each other.
一次对话需要倾听和谈话的平衡
A conversation requires a balancebetween talking and listening,
但在社会发展的过程中 人们丢掉了这种平衡
and somewhere along the way,we lost that balance.
现在 造成这种状况的部分原因是因为技术(进步)
Now, part of that is due to technology.
你们的智能手机 要么是放在手里
The smartphones that you alleither have in your hands
要么就放在手边
or close enough that you couldgrab them really quickly.
根据皮尤研究的调查
According to Pew Research,
大约三分之一的美国青少年一天发送一百多条短信
about a third of American teenagerssend more than a hundred texts a day.
他们中的多数 几乎是大多数 更喜欢发短信给朋友
And many of them, almost most of them,are more likely to text their friends
而不是面对面交流
than they are to talkto them face to face.
在《大西洋》一书中 有个很棒的故事
There’s this great piece in The Atlantic.
这个故事是由一名叫保罗•巴恩韦尔的高中教师写的
It was written by a high school teachernamed Paul Barnwell.
他给孩子们布置了一项交流任务
And he gave his kidsa communication project.
他想教会孩子们 如何不使用笔记在某一话题上展开演讲
He wanted to teach them how to speakon a specific subject without using notes.
他说:“我开始意识到……
And he said this: “I came to realize…
我开始意识到 沟通能力
I came to realizethat conversational competence
可能是唯一被我们忽视 没教会孩子的能力
might be the singlemost overlooked skill we fail to teach.
孩子们每天花费数小时 通过屏幕和彼此交流想法
Kids spend hours each day engagingwith ideas and each other through screens,
但却鲜有机会
but rarely do they have an opportunity
去锻炼自己的人际交往能力”
to hone their interpersonalcommunications skills.”
听起来很好笑 但我们必须问问自己:
It might sound like a funny question,but we have to ask ourselves:
在21世纪
Is there any 21st-century skill
有比维持连贯 自信的谈话更重要的能力吗?”
more important than being able to sustaincoherent, confident conversation?”
现在 我的职业就是与人交流:
Now, I make my living talking to people:
诺贝尔奖得主 卡车司机
Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
亿万富翁 幼儿园教师
billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
国家领导人 水管工
heads of state, plumbers.
我和喜欢的人交谈也和不喜欢的人交谈
I talk to people i like.I talk to people i don’t like.
我也会和那些自己非常不认同的人交谈
I talk to some people that I disagree withdeeply on a personal level.
但我仍然可以和他们进行一次很不错的交流
But I still havea great conversation with them.
所以 我想用下面十来分钟的时间教大家如何对话
So I’d like to spend the next 10 minutesor so teaching you how to talk
以及如何倾听
and how to listen.
对此 你们中很多人或许已经听过不少的建议
Many of you have already hearda lot of advice on this,
比如 盯着对方的眼睛
things like look the person in the eye,
提前想些有趣的话题
think of interesting topicsto discuss in advance,
注视 点头 微笑 以表现你正全神贯注
look, nod and smile to showthat you’re paying attention,
重复你刚听到的 或者总结一下
repeat back what you just heardor summarize it.
我希望大家把这些都忘掉
So I want you to forget all of that.
这都是些废话
It is crap.
如何你真的很认真的话
There is no reason to learnhow to show you’re paying attention
就没理由学这些表示自己很专心的东西
if you are in fact paying attention.
现在 我其实是把专业访谈者的一些技巧
Now, I actually use the exactsame skills as a professional interviewer
用到了日常生活中
that I do in regular life.
好了 我来告诉你 如何采访别人
So, I’m going to teach youhow to interview people,
并且这真的能帮你学会如何成为更好的沟通者
and that’s actually going to help youlearn how to be better conversationalists.
学会开展对话
Learn to have a conversation
而不是浪费你的时间也不会感到无聊
without wasting your time,without getting bored,
并且 不冒犯任何人
and, please God,without offending anybody.
我们都曾有过很棒的交流
We’ve all had really great conversations.
我们都曾经有过我们也知道那是怎样的感觉
We’ve had them before.We know what it’s like.
那种结束后 令你感到很愉悦 很受激励的交流
The kind of conversation where youwalk away feeling engaged and inspired,
或是那种 你和对方建立了一种真正的联系
or where you feellike you’ve made a real connection
或者对方已经完全理解了你的意思
or you’ve been perfectly understood.
你的绝大多数人际交往 完全可以变成那种样子
There is no reason why most of your interactionscan’t be like that.
我有10条基本规则 我将带大家全部了解一遍
So I have 10 basic rules.I’m going to walk you through all of them,
但实话说 如果你从中选择一个 并且掌握它
but honestly, if you just chooseone of them and master it,
你就已经能够享受更愉快的交流了
you’ll already enjoy better conversations.
第一条 不要三心二意
Number one: Don’t multitask.
我不是说只是放下你的手机
And I don’t meanjust set down your cell phone
或是笔记本 或是你的车钥匙 抑或是你手上拿的任何东西
or your tablet or your car keysor whatever is in your hand.
我的意思是 全神贯注
I mean, be present.
进入那个情境
Be in that moment.
不要想着你和老板的争吵
Don’t think about your argumentyou had with your boss.
不要想你晚餐吃什么
Don’t think about whatyou’re going to have for dinner.
如果你想结束对话
If you want to get outof the conversation,
那就结束吧
get out of the conversation,
别心不在焉的交流
but don’t be half in itand half out of it.
第二条 不要太专断
Number two: Don’t pontificate.
如果你想陈述自己的观点
If you want to state your opinion
而不想被别人回答 不用与别人争论 被别人反驳甚至收到令人恶心的评论
without any opportunity for response or arguement or pushback or gross
那你应该去写博客
write a blog.
我不许自己的节目中出现权威专断是有原因的:
Now, there’s a really good reasonwhy I don’t allow pundits on my show:
因为他们真的很无聊
Because they’re really boring.
如果他们是个保守派 就会讨厌奥巴马 食物券和堕胎
If they’re conservative, they’re going tohate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
如果他们是自由主义者 就会讨厌
If they’re liberal, they’re going to hate
大银行 石油公司和迪克•切尼
big banks and oil corporationsand Dick Cheney.
完全都能猜得到
Totally predictable.
当然 你肯定不想变成那样
And you don’t want to be like that.
你必须在参与每次对话时 想着自己会从这次对话中学到些什么
You need to enter every conversationassuming that you have something to learn.
著名的治疗学家M•斯科特•派克曾说
The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
真正的倾听需要忽略自我
that true listening requiresa setting aside of oneself.
有时 这就需要抛开你的个人想法
And sometimes that meanssetting aside your personal opinion.
他说 当说话的人察觉到这种接纳后
He said that sensing this acceptance,
就会变得越来越不怕受伤
the speaker will becomeless and less vulnerable
越来越有可能对倾听者敞开心扉
and more and more likelyto open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.
再说一次 假定你要学些东西
Again, assume that you havesomething to learn.
比尔•奈伊曾说 “你所遇到的每个人 都知道些你不知道的事情”
Bill Nye: “Everyone you will ever meetknows something that you don’t.”
换句话来说
I put it this way:
每个人在一些方面都是专家
Everybody is an expert in something.
第三条:用一些开放性问题
Number three: Use open-ended questions.
对此 我们从记者身上找些启发
In this case, take a cue from journalists.
使用何人 何事 何时 何地 为什么 怎么办来开始你的问题
Start your questions with who,what, when, where, why or how.
如果你问了很复杂的一个问题 你得到的答案反而会很简单
If you put in a complicated question,you’re going to get a simple answer out.
如果我问你:“你当时害怕吗?”
If I ask you, “Were you terrified?”
你就会回答我 这句话中最有力的词
you’re going to respond to the mostpowerful word in that sentence,
–“害怕” 回答就是“我害怕”或者“不害怕”
which is “terrified,” and the answer is”Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.”
“你生气吗?”“是的 我很生气”
“Were you angry?” “Yes, I was very angry.”
让他们自己描述 他们才是当事人
Let them describe it.They’re the ones that know.
试着问他们 “当时是什么情况?”
Try asking them things like,”What was that like?”
“感觉怎么样?”
“How did that feel?”
因为在那时 他们可能得停下来 想一下
Because then they might have to stopfor a moment and think about it,
然后你就会得到一个有趣得多的答案
and you’re going to geta much more interesting response.
第四条:顺其自然
Number four: Go with the flow.
就是说 想法会自然出现在脑子里
That means thoughtswill come into your mind
你需要将它们表达出来
and you need to let themgo out of your mind.
我们经常听到一些采访
We’ve heard interviews often
客人已经讲了几分钟
in which a guest is talkingfor several minutes
然后主持人回过神来 问了一个问题
and then the host comes back inand asks a question
问题要么来的毫无缘由 要么就是已经问过的
which seems like it comes out of nowhere,or it’s already been answered.
这意味着 主持人可能两分钟前就没有在听了
That means the host probablystopped listening two minutes ago
因为他想到了这个绝妙的问题
because he thoughtof this really clever question,
于是他总是记着要说出自己的问题
and he was just boundand determined to say that.
我们也会做同样的事情
And we do the exact same thing.
我们坐在那 和别人交谈
We’re sitting there havinga conversation with someone,
然后突然记起 那次在咖啡店碰到休•杰克曼的情景
and then we remember that timethat we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
然后 我们就没在听了
And we stop listening.
故事和想法会突然出现
Stories and ideasare going to come to you.
你需要让那些闪现的想法 一闪而过
You need to let them come and let them go.
第五条:如果你不知道 就诚实一点
Number five: If you don’t know,say that you don’t know.
现在 电台的主播 特别是美国国家公共电台
Now, people on the radio,especially on NPR,
越来越清醒的意识到 他们的话会被记录下来
are much more awarethat they’re going on the record,
所以 他们对于自己很在行的事情
and so they’re more carefulabout what they claim to be an expert in
说得很笃定的事 格外谨慎
and what they claim to know for sure.
照着做吧 哪怕过于谨慎 至少可以避免风险
Do that. Err on the side of caution.
交谈不该廉价
Talk should not be cheap.
第六条:不要把自己的经历和别人的等同
Number six: Don’t equateyour experience with theirs.
如果别人说起 亲人过世
If they’re talkingabout having lost a family member,
不要顺势说 自己失去亲人的时候
don’t start talking about the timeyou lost a family member.
如果别人说到 工作上遇到了困难
If they’re talking about the troublethey’re having at work,
不要告诉别人 你有多讨厌你的工作
don’t tell them abouthow much you hate your job.
别人和你不一样 从来都是如此
It’s not the same. It is never the same.
每段经历都是独特的
All experiences are individual.
更重要的是 交谈不是你一个人的事
And, more importantly,it is not about you.
你不需要证明你有多了不起
You don’t need to take that momentto prove how amazing you are
或是你承受了多少痛苦
or how much you’ve suffered.
有人曾问过斯蒂芬·霍金 他的智商有多高
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking oncewhat his IQ was, and he said,
他说:“我也不知道 总吹嘘自己智商高的人都是失败者”
“I have no idea. People who bragabout their IQs are losers.”
对话不是一个自我推销的机会
Conversations are nota promotional opportunity.
第七条:
Number seven:
不要重复你自己说的话
Try not to repeat yourself.
这会让你有优越感 但着实很无聊
It’s condescending,and it’s really boring,
而且我们还老爱这么干
and we tend to do it a lot.
特别是在工作的场合下 或是和我们的孩子对话时
Especially in work conversationsor in conversations with our kids,
我们想表明自己的看法
we have a point to make,
所以我们就不停的重复
so we just keep rephrasing itover and over.
别那么做
Don’t do that.
第八条:大行不顾细谨
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
老实说 人们不在乎 年龄 姓名 日期
Frankly, people don’t care about the years, the names, the dates
这些你拼命去回忆的细节
all those details that you’re strugglingto come up with in your mind.
他们不在乎 他们在乎的是你
They don’t care.What they care about is you.
他们在乎的是你怎么样
They care about what you’re like,
你和他们有什么类似的地方
what you have in common.
所以不要管这些细枝末节了 忽略它们
So forget the details. Leave them out.
第九条 这不是最后一条 但却是最重要的一条 倾听
Number nine: This is not the last one,but it is the most important one. Listen.
我不知道有多少大人物曾说过
I cannot tell you how manyreally important people have said
倾听可能是你应该学会的 最重要的技巧
that listening is perhaps the most,the number one most important skill that you could develop.
佛家曾曰 我给大家解述一下
Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing,
“如果你在说话 就错过了学习的机会”
“If your mouth is open,you’re not learning.”
卡尔文•柯立芝曾说 “没人因为倾听而丢掉工作”
And Calvin Coolidge said, “No manever listened his way out of a job.”
为什么我们不愿倾听彼此呢?
Why do we not listen to each other?
第一 我们更倾向于去表达
Number one, we’d rather talk.
当说话的时候 我们能掌控全局
When I’m talking, I’m in control.
(那样)我就不用听我不感兴趣的东西
I don’t have to hear anythingI’m not interested in.
我就是焦点
I’m the center of attention.
我能展现出自己的特点
I can bolster my own identity.
但还有一个原因
But there’s another reason:
我们分心了
We get distracted.
平均每个人每分钟能说225个字
The average person talksat about 225 word per minute,
但我们每分钟能听进500个字
but we can listen at up to500 words per minute.
所以我们的脑子 都在填充那剩下的275个字
So our minds are filling inthose other 275 words.
听着 我知道 将注意力集中在别人身上需要下点功夫
And look, I know,it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone,
但如果你做不到这点 你就没有置身于这个对话中
but if you can’t do that,you’re not in a conversation.
你们只是坐在一块儿 说着几乎毫不相干的句子
You’re just two people shouting outbarely related sentences in the same place.
你必须听对方在说什么
You have to listen to one another.
斯蒂芬•科维将这诠释地很漂亮
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
他说:“大多数人的倾听都不以理解为目的
He said, “Most of us don’t listenwith the intent to understand.
我们都以回应为目的”
We listen with the intent to reply.”
还有一条 第十:简明扼要一点
One more rule, number 10,and it’s this one: Be brief.
[好的交流就像超短裙 短到足够维持兴趣
[A good conversation is like a miniskirt;short enough to retain interest,
但又长至能够充分表意–我妹妹]
but long enough to coverthe subject. — My Sister]
所有内容都可以归结为一条基本观点:
All of this boils down to the samebasic concept, and it is this one:
那就是对他人感兴趣
Be interested in other people.
你知道 我是由有名的祖父陪伴长大的
You know, I grew upwith a very famous grandfather,
而且我家里有种惯例
and there was kind of a ritual in my home.
会有人来我家和祖父交谈
People would come overto talk to my grandparents,
他们走后 我妈就会走向我们
and after they would leave,my mother would come over to us,
她会说:“你知道那是谁吗?
and she’d say, “Do you know who that was?
她是美国小姐的季军
She was the runner-up to Miss America.
他是萨克拉门托的市长
He was the mayor of Sacramento.
她得过普利策奖他是俄罗斯的芭蕾演员”
She won a Pulitzer Prize.He’s a Russian ballet dancer.”
在成长的过程中 我一直都认为
And I kind of grew up assuming
每个人都拥有被藏起来的了不起的东西
everyone has some hidden,amazing thing about them.
说实话 这让我成为一个更好的主持人
And honestly, I thinkit’s what makes me a better host.
我尽量少说话
I keep my mouth shutas often as I possibly can,
多思考
I keep my mind open,
我也时刻做好被惊艳的准备
and I’m always prepared to be amazed,
并且我从未失望过
and I’m never disappointed.
你也这么去做
You do the same thing.
去吧 和别人交谈
Go out, talk to people,
倾听别人 最重要的是 时刻准备好被惊艳吧
listen to people, and, most importantly,be prepared to be amazed.
谢谢
Thanks.

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视频概述

一些沟通交流的原则,仔细体会,学以致用,你与他人的交流将充满愉悦之感。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

卡卡桑

审核员

审核团V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1vskiVDwl4

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